Precisely because for just about every one of us there’s a lot that is unresolved about them.

Each of our raging inner teens come barging into our lives from time to time leaving us scratching our heads wondering…

Where did that reaction come from???

When you go inside and help your inner teen to heal, it’s quite likely that you’ll find a greater sense of peace, a boost in confidence and self-esteem and the space to be and do what you keep meaning to be and do.

You might remember back a few decades ago when there was a lot of talk in certain self-help circles about healing your inner child. This was sometimes also incorporated into 12-step programs.

As cliché as this idea has become, the work of going back into your past to heal those wounded parts that you still carry around today– and that limit your adult life today– has merit.

It’s kind of like clearing out the closets, as I blogged about last week.

When you go inside and provide nurturing and an opportunity for resolution to those parts of you that were virtually frozen in time by painful or traumatic experiences and beliefs, you create space.

This newly created space amounts to freedom. You are freer to take yourself to places that seemed impossible before.

This is the magic of clearing and the potential of healing your inner teen.

Some people did not have difficult teenage years fraught with emotional (and possibly physical) upheaval.

Regardless of how “bad” your teen years seemed to you to be, it’s probable that there are memories that are stuck within you– these might be visual, sensory, or take some other form.

When something triggers that stuck memory, you are transported back to that unforgettable moment in time. Yes, of course, some of those moments are giddy, fun and wonderful.

Others are anything but that.

For me, there are plenty of gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, regrettable times that I get transported back to along with many that are light-hearted and enjoyable.

For instance, there are particular sappy love songs from the 1980s that, when I hear them played today, instantly jerk me back to a sad corner of a darkened school dance watching other couples dance closely.

But the really stuck part for me is not that memory of a long ago dance in which I had no date. The part that truly limits my current day life are the beliefs that I am not good enough, pretty enough, popular enough, etc. that were behind my teenage angst in that moment.

This is why it can be invaluable to heal the inner teen.

Many of us continue to carry around the beliefs that we are not enough, somehow inappropriate or are insignificant (among others) and this can be crippling.

This can stand in the way of us following a career path that may be truly fulfilling and financially abundant. It can prevent us from being in the kind of love relationship we really desire. It can also eventually make us lackluster, dull, energy-less and even sick.

I am never a proponent of living in the past. At the same time, if you don’t heal those unresolved parts of you from the past, you will find yourself lugging them along with you into your present.

And this is rarely beneficial.

Now that you understand why it’s important to heal your inner teen, you might be wondering how to bring a sense of resolution to a memory that has already happened!?

Let me be clear here… I do not advise anyone to spend hours and hours re-counting who and what hurt your feelings, broke up with you, cheated on you, back-stabbed you or even made you feel great.

This is living in the past. It is not the kind of clearing and self-healing that I’m talking about.

What I do suggest is that when you feel stuck, sad or you’ve reacted intensely to something and you can’t put your finger on why that is, look to your inner teen.

Find a quiet space and literally ask what she or he needs? Let the answers come to you and then follow through as best you can.

What did most of us want as a teenager?

…to be listened to
Maybe your inner teen just wants to heard. Perhaps you grew up feeling that your ideas and dreams were ignored or discounted because you were “only a kid.” Now is a time when you can really listen to what your inner teen has to say.

…to be respected
How can you be more respectful of yourself? Even those aspects of you that you find lacking or full of faults deserve honoring. Be appreciative of all of you and of your growth along the way.

…to be loved
I don’t think that there’s a person alive today who doesn’t want to feel loved. This might have taken the form of desiring popularity or acceptance from peers when you were a teenager. It may have involved wanting your parents to love you for who you truly were, not who they wanted you to be.

Let your inner teen know that you are loved by the one whose love means the most– your own.

…to be free
When it comes down to it, to varying degrees, we all want to be free. We want to be free to be, do and have whatever we desire. Even the most rule-abiding, structured person wants to be free to be just the way he or she wants to be. This was probably especially true for you and me when we were teens.

The more you clear and heal those pains from your past, the freer you will be.

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Forgiveness is one very effective and powerful way to heal those wounds…or so we’ve probably been told.

The trouble with forgiveness is it is such a loaded concept!

There’s a definite connotation that posits forgiveness as the “right” or compassionate thing to do for another person. Religious teachings might have helped cement this self-less understanding of forgiving in your mind; they have for me.

A different approach to forgiveness…
When it comes down to it, though, forgiveness is really about the forgiver– and not the forgiven.

When you are able to forgive, it’s because you’ve reached a point in which you are simply done carrying around those wounds and hurts. You are ready to step out from under the weight of the resentment, the anger, sadness, grief or whatever it is you are burdened by.

To forgive, in this blessedly self-centered way (meant in only a positive sense) does NOT mean that you are necessarily happy about, approving of or otherwise endorsing what happened.

This is a moving away from labeling something good or bad and, instead, focusing in on what you want to do from this day forward. If you choose to forgive, you are turning from the past and toward an ease-ful, happier future.

While forgiveness might be admirable and freeing, it is not often easy to actually do.

As much as you want the resentment and anguish to be gone, there can be a strong attachment or pull back toward that painful past which is a giant obstacle to forgiveness.

An even MORE different approach to forgiveness…
Recently I had the privilege of attending a workshop led by life coach Martha Creek. The day was centered on a technique called “The Work,” developed by Byron Katie.

Towards the end of this expansive workshop, the topic of forgiveness arose. Creek declared to us that forgiveness is not a process. Instead, she said, it occurs naturally as we question our thoughts.

The discussion that followed this declaration opened my eyes to yet an even more alternative approach to forgiveness.

If you consider it, when it comes to this tough stuff from our pasts, either you forgive or you don’t. It’s difficult to forgive part-way.

There is much to Byron Katie’s “The Work,” and I encourage everyone to check out this potentially life-changing personal growth tool. For the purposes of this post, I will boil it down to this:

“The Work” is based on the assertion that we experience pain and suffering because of the thoughts we think– and continue to think– about ourselves, our lives, others, our pasts and our future.

When we question our thoughts using “The Work,” we can create space in which that pain and suffering can release and we can live more fully in the present moment.

Forgiveness came up at this Martha Creek workshop alongside the example of rape.

If, like me, you have experienced rape in your past, you might find that it’s not so easy to just forgive what happened. At the same time, releasing the hold of those memories, beliefs and emotions are an appealing prospect.

Forgiveness is key here….and so is questioning your thoughts.

For example, surrounding the date rape that I experienced, I have thoughts and subsequent feelings about the man who took advantage of me, a severely drunk young woman. I also have thoughts and subsequent feelings about my own choices to get that drunk and to push my friends away as they tried to get me home safely.

Using Creek’s guidance and Katie’s technique, I can take each thought and begin to question it. This isn’t about assigning absolute blame to either the man who date raped me or the alcoholic younger me.

It is about using a series of questions and a turn-around to understand that none of the solid-feeling thoughts I have about that experience are necessarily as solid as they seem.

Yes, the date rape happened. But when I question my thoughts, I can see that it is my thoughts about a past experience that is causing the residual upset, fear and anger.

Through this questioning process, a lot of space is created within me. The solid becomes more fluid and that’s when the forgiveness can occur.

I’m not proposing that everyone who has experienced rape (or any other hurt or trauma) should take this approach to forgiveness. It’s your healing and your choice what to do with the pain you are carrying around.

Find what resonates for you and be gentle and loving with yourself as you follow that path which, I hope, will include forgiveness and freedom.

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