Your lousy, no-good day can seem like an unending, downward spiral of irritations, annoyances, bad news and maybe a crisis or two thrown in as well.

If you’re having that kind of day (week, month or lifetime) try this…

#1: Have a 3 minute “pity party.”

C’mon, you know you want to. When nothing is going right, many of us feel sorry for ourselves. Yes, embarrassing, but it’s actually a pretty normal reaction. The trick is not to get stuck in a “poor me” mindset because this won’t improve your day.

Set a timer for 3-5 minutes and have at it. Dive into those self-pitying thoughts and let them surface with full force. When the timer buzzes, make a conscious shift and do something different.

#2: Let it out.

Frustration, helplessness, anger, irritation and more. These are all natural feelings that may accompany your lousy day. If you’re going to get past this, you’ve got to let those feelings out.

This is different from tip #1. A “pity party” centers on your thoughts and beliefs about whatever is going on. Your feelings are a related, but unique, layer. Allow that layer of feelings to flow in the way it needs to. This might mean you have a cleansing cry or you find a private space where you can yell and stomp your feet.

#3: Ask yourself, “What do I need emotionally?”

The question, “What do I need” is powerful. You can often ease any difficulty by figuring out what you need. Get specific and focus in on what your emotional needs might be at this moment.

You may need to feel supported, respected, loved, cared about, safe or something else. Go deeper than the facts of whatever has made your day so awful and identify what your emotional needs are.

#4: Ask yourself, “What do I need physically?”

Don’t ignore your physical needs. Lack of sleep, dehydration, hunger, headache or other physical aches and pains can all have a significant effect on how you deal with challenges that come up in your day.

Identifying what your needs are requires you to take a moment to tune in to you. Especially if everything feels chaotic and overwhelming, pause and check in with yourself. Figure out what your needs are. Keep an open mind, because your needs aren’t always going to be the same.

#5: Fulfill (at least) one of your current needs.

After identifying your emotional and physical needs, take steps to fulfill at least one of them. If it doesn’t feel convenient to stop what you are doing for a full meal or a nap, come up with an alternative that will fit the constraints of the moment and will begin to meet your need.

Grab a healthy snack to eat as you work. Pause to change the course of your thinking. Do whatever it takes to move you closer to getting your needs met.

#6: Problem solve.

Take out a blank piece of paper and free write about your day. You might need to express emotions and do some of that “pity party-ing” mentioned earlier. Invite yourself to also problem solve as you write.

Focus on one perceived problem at a time and brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can think of. Don’t stop to second guess yourself or determine exactly how it might work out. For now, just write down any and all options that you can imagine.

When you’re done, look over your list and circle those that feel doable and that you might want to act upon.

#7: Listen to music that moves you.

Don’t underestimate the power of music. It can soothe, heal, bring you to tears, stir your passions, get you off the couch and dancing and much, much more.

Play whatever kind of music calls to you. The idea here is to not only break the momentum of your lousy day, but also to help you release your angst and shift into an improved mood.

I created a playlist on my mp3 player that I’ve titled “uplift.” I included songs that I find comforting, nourishing and hopeful. Especially if I’m having a stressful day, having a ready-to-go playlist allows me to simply put in my ear buds, go for a walk and let the music move me.

#8: Intentionally live in the moment.

There is no better time to practice living in the present moment than when you are having a bad day. What tends to happen when difficulties arise– especially a series of difficulties– is that the past takes over.

The argument you had with your spouse spills over into your interactions with your boss. You bring that intensified irritation to your lunch with your sister and then all of that combined tension and annoyance along as you pick up your kids from school.

That’s a whole heap of negativity!

Remind yourself of what moment you are currently in. There may be unresolved issues to be discussed with your spouse when you two are home together later, but that’s not right now. Be in the here and the now and live there.

#9: Move your body.

You don’t have to be athletic to reap the releasing benefits of moving your body. It can be convenient to pop into the gym and run on the treadmill or lift weights to shift your mood on a lousy day.

But, this isn’t a requirement.

Incorporate tip #7 and put on music that you can’t sit still to and dance. Jump around and get your heart pumping. This is a sure way to bring some improvement to your day.

#10: Take a nap.

“Sleep on it” is a familiar saying when a big decision is being considered. Sometimes, napping can be a helpful cure for a no-good day too.

While it’s not advisable to rely on sleep or another form of numbing out to avoid the challenges going on, rest can be very helpful. After even a short nap, you can meet whatever is going on with renewed freshness and clarity.

#11: Read a comforting or uplifting book or quote.

There is probably at least one book that really spoke to you at one point in your life. If you own that book, you could insert some post-it notes on the pages that really wow you and warm your heart. This is one place to go when you are trying to survive a horrible day.

Today, so many of us are blessed with access to the internet. Online there is a wealth of websites with famous quotes and also book reviews. Search whatever keywords most resonate for you at the time and take 10 minutes to read through quotes or excerpts from books.

#12: Laugh.

Laughter is not just for happy times. If you can genuinely find a degree of lightness and levity and bring that to your difficult situation, it can be positively transformational– and stress releasing too!

Check out this YouTube video if you need help getting your laugh on: Enlightening Subway Ride

#13: Breathe.

One thing that tends to happen when stress, conflict or unexpected obstacles come up is that our breathing constricts. It’s as if we’re tensing, tightening and defending against whatever seems to be crashing in and we use the breath as part of that self-defense.

Unfortunately, this is probably the worst thing to do.

Remind yourself to breathe– deeply, slowly and from your abdomen. This will help you calm down, see more clearly and make decisions that will allow you to move more easily through the difficulty.

#14: Meditate.

The great thing about meditation is that you don’t need a huge amount of time or a membership or special equipment. You can do it literally anywhere– except while you are operating a vehicle or heavy machinery of course.

With some practice, you can even sit in a loud and crowded room and meditate. On a lousy day, meditation will certainly help you turn things around. It is a game-changer and definitely a relaxing and soothing gift for yourself.

#15: Take a new view.

Ultimately, you’ll be able to almost instantly shift into a more positive place about your difficult day if you can change your perspective. When you intentionally adopt a new view of the place where you stand and everything that is going on, then the “no-good” seems less horrible and insurmountable.

In fact, with this new view, you can often see new possibilities that the difficulties are opening up for you. This is where the amazing comes in…even on a lousy day.

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But, when I’m really honest with myself, I can see this in there. Rarely is it conscious, yet, when I look at the range of what motivates and propels me to say and do the things I do… it’s there.

The craving for and expectation of a reward.

Mixed in among my genuine desire to be kind, loving, supportive and present for the people I care about, I can detect a yearning for the payoff. I’m not even clear about what that reward or payoff would literally be, but the desire for it is clearly present.

Quite a few religions appear to (or overtly) promise rewards for “good” and “right” actions. The idea (which may be quite different from what the religion itself actually teaches) is that if I do something that is deemed “right” or “morally sound,” I will reap benefits at some point in the future. That future may be within this lifetime or after.

In addition to these religious “promises,” there are countless lessons of reward throughout one’s lifetime.

As a kid, you may have been taken out for ice cream as a reward for sitting still at your brother’s orchestra concert or for being well-mannered during a visit with your great-great aunt.

In school, the payoff to your class for listening attentively, doing what your teacher told you to do and getting your assignments in on time might have been an occasional pizza party.

As an adult, there is sometimes a literal payoff in the form of monetary bonus from your employer as a way to reward high quality work.

There is nothing necessarily wrong with any of these examples of reward.

But…

Troubles arise when we expect the payoff so much that it becomes more important than the actual action itself. If, for some reason, the reward does not come after we’ve followed the rules, worked hard or acted in what we believe is a moral way, we are disappointed and maybe even angry and resentful.

Even if the payoff happens, our motivation starts to be mainly (or only) the reward, the potential joys, fulfillment and moments of connection with others is overshadowed or missed completely.

Look at the layers of your motivation.

As with any habit like this, the first challenge is to acknowledge (and admit to) it. Be honest with yourself if you are expecting a payoff. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just helpful to notice.

Pay attention to how strongly attached you are to receiving that reward that may or may not happen.

What is your motivation in saying, doing or acting in a particular way?

You’ll be more effective at de-fusing disappointment and resentment if you can be as loving and kind with yourself as you do this, by the way.

For example, there are times when, deep down inside, I feel resentful towards my older son if he speaks to me in a way that I perceive is dismissive or condescending. Even though I know that this manner of speaking comes out for everyone occasionally, in those moments I get angry.

I wonder where MY payoff is for all of the time, energy, care and attention I’ve given him over the years. My thoughts go something like… “Wait! Where is my reward for all I’ve done for him?” It’s as if, in my mind, my teen son should ALWAYS be respectful and in good humor and that’s my reward.

Kind of a messed up line of thinking, I know!

Thankfully, these thoughts and feelings are usually a quiet undercurrent when they come up. The mothering-to-get-payoff is certainly not my main motivation, but it’s there.

If I pretend that it’s not there, it’s allowed to continue– and to get bigger. That’s when the real trouble begins for my own sense of fulfillment and inner peace and for my relationships as well.

Do whatever you do for the joy of it.

The big lesson here is to be aware if you have (even “little”) yearnings for a payoff. Explore your hidden motivations. Pause and reassess without making yourself “bad” or “wrong.”

This could be your signal that, whatever you are doing, your heart just isn’t genuinely in it.

This might be the time for you to question your usual actions and the responsibilities you’ve taken on and better understand your motivations.

It is absolutely essential that you make conscious choices in your life.

Before taking an action or saying “yes” (or “no”), ask yourself if you can find some satisfaction or joy in the sheer doing of whatever it is. Can you be genuinely at peace with what you are about to do whether or not there is some reward at the end of the day?

Above all, don’t keep score or hold anyone else responsible for how you feel about the choices you make. Nobody owes you– no matter how hard you’ve worked or even what you’ve sacrificed on that person’s behalf.

Find your bliss in the doing and the being.

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You may have never owned a brand new car, but perhaps you’ve ridden in one. You know that smell? It’s a sort of rubber-fabric-plastic smell that you encounter in a new car (possibly due to some hideous chemicals that, frankly, I don’t want to think about).

There is something about that smell that signals new-ness and gives me a bit of thrill. It’s as if anything is possible in this new car.

I often feel the same way when we move into a brand new year. It’s not got a smell, necessarily, but it’s surely got a feel. I crack open a new calendar and hang it on my wall. We watch the glittering ball drop at midnight, kiss one another and usher in another year. There is the distinct feeling that I’m embarking on something uncharted and full of potential and that is exciting to me.

This is the time when many of us set resolutions. After all, what better time to make life changes and improvements than a brand new year with all of that possibility and fresh-ness about it?

The trouble is this…

We make resolutions for this brand new year, yet we bring to the new year our old selves. Regardless of what the calendar says, we tend to get entrenched in our habitual ways of being and that’s what we carry with us into a new year.

These might be our ways of eating, not exercising, dealing with stress, spending money, communicating with people we love and more.

We have the best of intentions in this brand spanking new year and that can give us the momentum to change our habits, but it doesn’t always stick. After a few weeks (days or hours) we’re back to what we know– to what feels comfortable and maybe even safe.

So…

Is it even possible to make significant and long-lasting changes or is this resolution thing a futile effort?

Yes, I believe, it IS possible!

But, each of us needs to truly open up to the changes we seek. We’ve got to find a way to bring the new from within instead of imposing it from the outside. This starts with finding some sense of peace with where we are even as we nudge ourselves to be or do something different and new.

Set yourself up to succeed.

Often, when a resolution fizzles out, it can be traced back to the way it was created. If, for example, I am self-critical, fearful, punitive or shaming in my motivation to make a change, it’s likely that I am not going to last long on this new path.

It might sound like….

“This year, I’m going to stop wasting money.”
“I’m going to finally stop eating junk and lose those extra 30 pounds.”
“I will get my lazy butt to the gym so that I can look decent in a swimsuit this summer.”

The fear, criticism, shame and more will override what I’m trying to change. This is bringing my old tired beliefs in and squashing the new-ness I’m attempting to cultivate.

It doesn’t work and will sabotage success every single time.

Pay attention to the way that you frame resolutions. Phrase and think about them in affirmative ways. Make sure to set doable, incremental resolutions too. If an intention feels overwhelming or impossible, break it down into more manageable parts.

Support yourself on the way to change.

You can also set yourself up for success by giving yourself plenty of support for whatever change you want to bring into your life.

By the way, not sticking with your resolution does not have to be labeled “failure.” Sometimes the most successful thing a person can do is to really learn from not attaining a goal. It’s not necessarily desired, but it can be a way to uncover blocks and and inner obstacles that need to be removed so that the goal– or a new goal– can be achieved.

What it means to give yourself support can vary. It might be reaching out to others for encouragement and pats on the back. It could be patting yourself on the back as you move closer and closer to where you want to be. It may be bolstering yourself in other areas of your life so that you can be better able to make the change.

Celebrate your steps along the way because that’s where you get positive motivation. This is also where the richness of growth comes in. It truly isn’t about the end result– even though the desired end result is pleasant. Remember, joy and fulfillment come from being present and positively engaged with the journey along the way.

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Pagans celebrate the winter solstice, called Yule, as the return of the Sun. The shift from dark to light, and all that means both symbolically and literally, is what both ancient and present day pagans celebrate.

Fires are lit and the traditional Yule log is burned. Homes are decorated with sprigs of evergreen and mistletoe and there is much singing, dancing and hoping for what the future will bring. All of this is to welcome in the ever-increasing light which is on its way.

Of course, the return of the light– the increase of hours in the sun– doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual and can feel oh so slow. On drab, dreary and frigidly cold winter days, it can seem like the warmth and new growth that comes with spring will never arrive. But it does.

Such as it often is in life.

Have you ever been in a sad, dismal and painful place in your life experience? This may have been precipitated by an unexpected shock to your system, like the breakup of a relationship, financial loss or a health crisis. Or, it could have been the accumulation of a series of set-backs, disappointments and bumps in the road.

Maybe the news of your community, country and world contribute to the darkness you feel. I know, how frightening and depressing it can be to read the mainstream news.

It can feel like there is nothing hopeful about your situation (or your world). It can also feel like things will never get better.

This is most certainly a dark place to be.

This might even be your “rock bottom” where it seems as if you’ve gone as low as you can go. Just about all of us have been in a “rock bottom” sort of place at least once in our lives. It might seem like you are stuck there now.

In difficult times, it can be easy to forget this…

It is often darkest just before the light.

The most challenging and painful experiences can be followed by times of ease, improvement and amazing breakthroughs. This is not always the way it happens, but frequently is the case.

I vividly remember giving birth to each of my two sons. Our childbirth education classes taught my husband and I that there is a period called “transition” in labor when the birthing woman usually reaches her emotional “rock bottom.” She can get fearful and doubt that she can do this at all.

For me, this is what happened.

The interesting and fabulous thing about transition is that just past the doubt and fear is the next stage of labor when it’s time to start pushing and birthing that baby. Those moments when giving birth seems absolutely impossible are the moments (maybe longer) just before the baby emerges into the world.

Nature offers us countless examples of this phenomenon. It does often get most difficult and harrowing just before the tension breaks and things fall into place the way that they need to…

Especially if we can honor this pattern and go with it as best we can.

Surrender to the dark.

If you’re in the midst of a low and painful place in your own life, remind yourself that the improvements you so desperately want may literally be just around the corner.

You might be at your “rock bottom.” One way not to get stuck there is to invite yourself to surrender to the challenges you face. It can be exhausting to constantly fight and scrape your way through. The obstacles can seem to grow and become even more impassable as you wage war against them.

Instead, why not just be with them?

This is scary and uncomfortable, I know.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve tried to ignore, push away, hide from or numb out from unwanted things going on in my life. It just doesn’t work.

However, when I courageously look at and get curious about whatever is happening, that’s when I stop the war. Meditation and free writing in my journal are two tools I use to be with painful emotions and scary situations. These tools offer me a release and safe place to get my feelings out and often they help me access invaluable insights that shift my entire perspective.

When I can just be with the challenges in my life, I surrender to the dark and it becomes less threatening and somehow easier.

Open to the light.

The powerful thing about surrendering to the dark is that it allows you to open up to the light that’s on its way– maybe sooner than you think.

Have you ever groped around in a dark room, tripping over chairs and tables trying to find your way to a lamp? Especially if you are disoriented or you don’t know the room well, you might be fumbling around right next to a lamp but you don’t know it. You can’t find it.

In order to let in that ever-increasing light that IS there for you and for us all, you’ve got to be open to it. You’ve got to pay attention to the clues, from your intuition and from the wisdom of others too, so that you can “find” it.

You’ve got to be willing to make decisions that will let in more light, love, peace, abundance and harmony.

That’s when the sun can shine fully in your life, regardless of what is going on.

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There’s so much that’s wonderful about giving.

The thoughtful and creative gift that you make or buy can be one way to show others how important they are to you. The money, food, coats and gloves that you give to non-profit organizations go a long way to help those whose very survival might depend on the generosity of strangers.

Without a doubt, giving is beautiful and spreads joy and benevolence.

And then there’s that other side of giving that doesn’t get too many accolades. That other side of giving is often associated with being selfish, indulgent or somehow less good. I’m talking about receiving.

Just as there are very positive, admirable and commendable reactions to giving, receiving gets shoved into a dark corner. It can feel like there is something to be embarrassed about or even ashamed of when you have received from another person. We’ve all heard the saying that “it’s better to give than to receive.”

Each and every one of us receives. Giving and receiving are two activities that all humans engage in– even when they don’t realize it or like to admit to it. Maybe it feels like we’re weak and selfish, that we can’t do it all ourselves or that we have to depend on others.

Of course, I am exaggerating– a little– and not everyone has a hang up with receiving.

There are certainly those times of year when those of us who are a bit uptight about receiving (ahem, like me) do so more easily. When it’s my birthday or a gift-giving holiday, for example, I receive with greater ease. It is easier when I am both a giver and a receiver– this kind of dulls some of the usual challenges of receiving.

But, what about those unexpected moments when a gift is being offered to me? That’s when troubles arise. This gift might be some physical object, a gesture or even a compliment, it doesn’t matter. That’s when I tend to close down and get uncomfortable.

The point here is that I not only short-change myself when I shy away from receiving, I also undercut the generosity of the gift, no matter what it is.

I stand in the way of some pretty amazing co-creating too.

You see, I can’t possibly be a full participant in my relationships and world if I shut down my receiving mode. This isn’t just about me pushing away a compliment or feeling squirmy when someone does something nice for me, this is about opening up to sharing with another person.

There is some serious magic that goes on when people exchange gifts. It matters less what gifts are actually given and received– whether they are expensive cars, fancy jewelry, hand-drawn portraits, back massages, sincere compliments or something else.

What makes the difference is how freely the exchange happens. It’s about the emotion and the energy that is fostered, offered and taken in during the giving and the receiving.

You’ve probably given something to another person grudgingly. Think about a mother making her child share a toy with a sibling. You’ve probably also received with resistance. Think about receiving a loan to cover some bills from a family member.

In both of these examples, there were probably a lot of messy feelings that stood in the way of the exchange of a gift (even in the form of a loan) being as significant and loving as it could be.

This kind of stilted interaction can block appreciation and closeness. It can add up to distance and disconnection too.

It’s kind of funny how it goes…

Resistance to receiving breeds stinginess.

I can’t possibly give with the kind of authentic sentiment I’d like when I have not allowed myself to fully and freely receive. When I close down to receiving on a regular basis, I start to deplete my own inner resources.

It’s as if there’s this part of me that goes into lock down because it’s not been permitted to replenish and receive. Or, if receiving is allowed, it’s a scant and strained receiving– hardly the stuff that renews.

As a result, I put myself in a kind of lack place. I might not literally be lacking in anything, but because I have put up a giant NO to fully receiving, it feels like there’s an ongoing shortage in my life. The consequence of this is that the next opportunity I have for giving, I tend to be less generous and I might possibly even withhold my gift completely.

If you’re at all like me in this way, you may have become a scroogenotbecause you’re cold and miserly, but because you don’t let yourself fully receive.

Challenge resistance to receiving and let the magic happen.

Whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of an exchange, make sure that your heart is in it. If you notice resistance, guilt, shame or resentment, step back from participating– even if it’s just for a moment. Try to get clear about what your resistance is all about. Are there things you need to say or resolve before you move forward with the giving and receiving?

Be willing to be honest and communicate what you need to the other person. If you are holding back from receiving because of particular thoughts running through your mind, question them. Do whatever you can to open yourself up to this beautiful and loving exchange that could happen, if you allow it.

Remember, each time you fully receive a gift, you enrich yourself on a very deep level. Your gratitude for whatever you receive will come from a deep and genuine place and you and the giver will both be richer as a result.

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That is being in “The Zone.”

If you look at the face of a basketball player about to shoot a free throw, you’ll see it.

If you watch a preschooler crossing shoelaces while learning to tie a bow, you’ll see it.

If you get up close to a performer on stage who is singing, dancing, playing a guitar or another instrument, you’ll see it.

You’ll see that person (or those people) in the zone.

“The Zone” is not just a state of high concentration where one’s attention is directed, it can be so much more. This is that place where the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual aspects can converge. There is usually a falling away of barriers when a person is in the zone. What’s left is the desire to meet a goal or master a skill or technique and to do so with everything the person’s got.

There is a certain transcendence to being in the zone. It’s as if all doubts, past attempts and other distractions simply do not exist. What’s there is the person and whatever it is he or she is doing or being in that moment. That’s it and it’s pretty amazing.

There is also that other kind of zone.

This is the kind of zone in which many of us spend a lot of our time. This is that condition of being zoned out. It can look like checking out, disengaging, on autopilot, scattered, overwhelmed, ditzy, dull or even zombie-like.

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with being zoned out. After a long day, I sometimes want to symbolically turn off my brain for just a little while and watch something light and mindless on tv. There are potential benefits to zoning out in this way…but there are A LOT of negative consequences too.

Zoning out can be habit-forming.

It can become too easy to disengage with another person or a particular situation because you feel uncomfortable, threatened or otherwise unable to deal with what’s going on. You can become accustomed to greeting stress, discomfort or even everyday life from a zoned-out place.

This leads to living by default instead of making conscious choices. Feeling like a victim, “agreeing” to what you don’t want or feeling as if your life has no real meaning or direction also tend to run hand-in-hand with zoning out.

You also miss so much when you spend portions of your life in a disconnected daze. Precious moments with those you love fly by unappreciated and unattended when you are zoned out. Aspirations that you strongly hold disappear as you live by default.

Are you zoned out?

The tricky thing about zoning out is that many of us aren’t aware that we’re doing it. We may have developed this dull or dazed habit when we were very young. Especially for those of us who have experienced abuse or trauma in the past, zoning out can be a defense mechanism that served a survival purpose in the past.

If this is true for you, ask yourself if this habit serves you today.

Try to pay attention to what it feels like in your body when you check out for awhile. Sometime when you’re surfing the web or watching television out of boredom, pause and tune in to your body. Do you feel limp and possibly as if your vision is a bit fuzzy? Is there a tired or dull feeling in your mind?

The way you feel when you’re zoned out could be different than what I’ve just described, so discover what it feels like for you.

Doing this exploration when you’re doing something benign such as watching television is helpful. Now you know what it feels like when you zone out. This can make it easier for you to know when you check out in more stressful or emotionally charged situations.

Zone in and take your life to the next level.

As you get better acquainted with your habit of zoning out, you can start to wake yourself up and come into a different place. Do this waking up with gentleness and love.

Don’t chide yourself for “wasting away” hours online or watching television (or whatever else you might be doing). Lovingly interrupt yourself and ask yourself if this activity is helping you create the kind of life experience you want for yourself.

The answer might be “yes” and it might be a “no.” Every moment is different and the key here is to make a conscious choice about what you will do and how you will be in this moment now.

Be sure to also ask yourself what would support you as you re-engage with not only the situation, but also with yourself. That is perhaps the biggest benefit to you zoning back in; you get to come back into alignment with your wise and intuitive self. What you need might be some form of support from a loved one, to set a boundary, to go meditate, to exercise, to relax and take a bath or maybe even to keep watching the “mindless” television show and then go do something else.

The more conscious choices you make, the easier it will be for you to zone in and get in that “Zone” I described at the beginning of this post. The more you fully engage with the moments of your life– even the overwhelming and difficult ones– the more effective you’ll be at reaching your goals and living the joyful life you desire.

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We purposely arrived early to the show so that we could get a choice spot to stand. Mid-way through the concert, a woman forcefully barged in between me and another woman, shoving us both to the side.

This was annoying and distracting too. I was still able to see the show and shifted slightly over to make room, but the person I had previously been standing next to ended up losing her spot.

For sure, the behavior of the woman who barged in was rude. I was torn about how to handle the whole situation. I felt irritated because I now had even less room and I was a bit concerned because she was obviously not sober or much in control of her body flailing to the music.

At the same time, I was determined not to let the woman ruin my experience. I had been having a wonderful time at a fabulous concert and I worked to make that my focus.

There are those people in life who seem to just barge in.

With Thanksgiving coming up in a few days, you might be dreading having to spend the day with certain relatives of yours who tend to barge into your business.

It might be your great aunt who makes loudly disapproves of how you’re raising your children. It could be your grandfather who has all kinds of advice (that you didn’t ask for) about how you should be getting ahead in your career. It may be your mother who is “worried” about how you have gained– or lost– too much weight.

There’s nothing like the holidays to bring the bargers out.

Often, these people don’t mean to barge in. I’ve certainly been a barger a time or two in my life. Just ask my kids or my husband and you’ll probably hear some stories!

To label certain people as “the problem” at your holiday gathering (or any interaction you have with them) is only you going to bring more stress, strain and conflict into your life. It also sets you up to be barged in upon again.

Nonetheless, when you feel like someone has barged in with an unsolicited opinion, it is annoying and can feel oppressive. The reaction to someone else’s barging in is often resistance and defensiveness.

It’s understandable.

Nobody likes to be told that they’re “doing it wrong” or that they’ve somehow “messed up.” Nobody likes to have their personal space invaded, whether that invasion is literal or more symbolic. But, as tempting as it is to bristle or lash back at the person who just put you down or told you the way you “should” be, this only makes matters worse.

A defensive reaction will mostly inflame the moment. It takes your focus away from the possibly pleasant time you’d been having and pours it into the annoying words or actions.

Just like I didn’t want to spend my concert trading hostile words with the woman who barged in and shoved me aside, you probably don’t want to spend your time and energy arguing with your family member about why you actually ARE making the best decisions for you.

I’m not suggesting that you merely ignore the person barging into your life, because that isn’t always desirable or effective either. It can be an energy drain to pretend that you aren’t hurt or upset by what was said, so be honest. At the same time, don’t allow the barging in to hijack your experience.

Open to learning.

The big lesson here is to remember that you aren’t a victim. As annoying or cruel as someone’s barging in can seem, you don’t have to take it in or give it power. You don’t have to be passive-aggressive to “get back” at the other person and you don’t have to prove him or wrong either.

There is an opportunity for learning and growth– even in a difficult barging in kind of moment.

So, when someone says or does something that feels oppressive, critical, annoying or is otherwise unwanted, stop and ask yourself what you most need right now. Also, ask yourself what you can learn from this situation.

Your lesson might be that there is some value in what the other person is saying. Perhaps there are some changes you’d like to make about your career, your body or your parenting. This could be a signal that YOU are ready to explore making changes on your terms and in your way.

There is also the lesson of contrast. Perhaps the person barging in with advice holds very different beliefs and values in life than yours. What the other person is saying could be the impetus to help you be very clear about what you do want.

Be true to yourself.

Don’t allow your energy and attention to be sucked into a barging in kind of moment. Watch your expectations if you have a habit of preparing to be treated in a disrespectful or invasive manner by certain people or in particular situations.

Instead, try to keep your expectations open. You could even set an intention to have a particular experience with these people you are choosing to spend time with.

If you do encounter unwanted advice, criticism or some other form of “crowding,” meet it with a conscious response. Soothe yourself before you impulsively lash out. This might involve taking a deep breathe and then assertively letting the person know that you’ll ask for his or her opinion when you want it. It might mean that you offer to explain your reason for making the choices you have made– only do this if you can share information without getting defensive.

Be true to who you are…and do so without making the other person wrong. This isn’t always easy or comfortable to do, but the connection and harmony that come as a result are well worth the effort.

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8 boys were sexually abused by Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State assistant coach over a period of approximately 14 years.

What is also upsetting about this case is that the crime was witnessed by another adult and reported to superiors– allegedly including head football coach Joe Paterno, among others who were in positions to take action.

It is incredible to imagine that this abuse was allowed to continue for so long and that Sandusky was not stopped.

There are many possible reasons why secrets were kept at Penn State…

The boys who remained silent at the time (at least one did immediately speak up to his mother about what happened) possibly did so because they were afraid or embarrassed.

Many survivors of sexual abuse– especially children– keep the horrible secret because they are literally afraid for their well-being. Others worry that they won’t be believed or that they’ll cause trouble for or within their family. They might also be confused and feel somehow to blame for the violation of their own body by an adult.

The reason why the secret was kept by members of the Penn State athletics department and administration is more difficult.

Fears about what a scandal like this could do to the school and football program’s reputation could have been a factor. It may be that turning a blind eye to the situation was more comfortable and seemed easier at the time. It may also be that each person informed of this crime assumed someone else would do the brave thing and make sure Sandusky was truly being stopped.

I can’t know why the abuse was allowed to continue or even why Sandusky violated those boys. I know there have been and will continue to be legal inquiries into these questions. Sandusky and other adults who knew what was going on will be finally held accountable for their actions.

This post is about secrets.

Dangerous secrets.

The Penn State scandal brings to to light the dangers of keeping secrets. There are all kinds of secrets that all kinds of people keep every single day. Secrets can be about abuse, domestic violence, stealing, lying and cheating.

Some secrets are obviously very serious, like the sexual abuse of children. Other secrets can seem like no big deal. They might even appear to be something that would cause more trouble than the issue is worth if the truth was known.

I get it. There are times when it’s certainly more convenient to tell a “white lie” or omit information. There are occasions when it almost seems kinder to leave out certain details to protect a loved one’s feelings or prevent someone from getting upset or angry.

What I’ve found is that honesty really is the best policy…even when it’s difficult or scary. This is the case even when you don’t know for sure if someone will feel hurt as a result.

The choice to keep a secret– and it IS a choice– usually has negative consequences.

When the secret is discovered, which often happens at some point, trust is obliterated. You can ask someone who has tried to cover up an affair about this. No matter how long ago the affair happened and regardless of how long the affair lasted, the fact that the secret was kept for so long makes the betrayal that much worse.

If you’ve ever kept a secret, you probably know how much work it can be. A distance forms between you and the people you are trying to hide information from. You withdraw into yourself, get stressed out and can become downright paranoid worrying about being found out. This can not only lead to the destruction of a relationship, it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.

Find ways to be honest that feel safe to you.

There are many reasons why people keep secrets. Some of those reasons make sense at the time– they can be a tool to survive. The child who agrees not to tell anyone about the way an adult is touching him or her may be keeping that secret because it seems to be the safest thing to do in that moment.

In other situations, we keep secrets because we worry about disappointing someone, getting in trouble or causing another person pain.

Recognize what secrets you’ve been keeping and why. Take into account those secrets you may be keeping that seem insignificant. What are the risks that you’ve been unwilling to take by telling your truth? This is important to acknowledge.

Admit to yourself what the consequences have been in your relationships, your life and maybe within your own body for continuing to keep secrets.

Are there ways you could be safe AND honest too?

The more you can honor your hesitations for speaking the truth, the more you will be able to see viable and doable options for speaking your truth.

Set an intention to be more honest in your own life.

If you’ve developed a habit of keeping secrets, notice it. If, for example, you grew up believing that it wasn’t safe for you to voice your opinion or if you were around a lot of conflict, you might withhold your truth because it seems easier. You don’t want to make the people you love upset.

Catch yourself when you’re keeping secrets– “big” ones and “small” ones too. Be clear with yourself about why your impulse is to remain quiet or change facts and look for ways to be honest and upfront about how you really feel or about what is really going on.

When you communicate your truth with words like, “I feel____,” “I want____,” “From my perspective____” or “I observe____” you can be honest and also allow room for someone else’s point of view and experience. You can keep a sense of openness in a relationship with words like these.

Make it your intention in life to be more honest. This isn’t always easy, I know. But, the rewards of living more authentically are worth it.

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In a moment of calm, those aspects of our lives that make us feel so abundant, loved, cared for and happy are prominent and easy to see. It is such a powerful practice to shine a light of awareness on those people and things in our lives for which we are grateful.

What tends to happen when we voice our gratitude is our relationships and the conditions of our lives become richer and more abundant. These effects can occur even if we feel that gratitude privately and don’t post it to a Facebook wall or say it aloud.

But, what about those times when it’s not so easy to feel grateful for particular people and what’s going on? Is it even possible to genuinely feel gratitude when you are in the middle of a difficult situation? When there are hurt feelings and adversity seems to rule, is there room for gratitude too?

I whole-heartedly believe that there IS room and it IS possible to feel grateful even in the midst of tough stuff.

Not only do I believe that it is possible to authentically cultivate gratitude in a stressful moment, it is essential if what you want is to get unstuck and find some ease and improvement.

Gratitude absolutely cannot be forced.

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably been in a situation where you received a gift from someone that was not what you wanted. Think about the garish, striped sweater your great aunt knit for you and then expected you to model for the whole family. The smile you upon your face and the thanks that utter from your lips may be forced and not very genuine.

As I recommend to you that you find ways to be grateful for even the tough (people and) stuff in your life, I’m not talking about playing pretend.

Acknowledge where you are.

It’s entirely ineffective for you to deny your irritation, sadness, grief, anger or fury when that’s how you feel. It’s how you feel. It’s also not going to help matters for you to spend a lot of time and energy justifying how you feel and why you can’t possibly be grateful for ANYTHING about _______.

Start where you are.

Denial and justification will only keep you rooted where you are and I’m guessing you’d like to experience some improvement. So, acknowledge it.

Stop yourself if you start to label how you are feeling, the person who seems to be “causing” your angst or the unwanted situation anything other than what it literally is. Avoid “good,” “bad,” “right” and “wrong.” Name calling is only going to make things worse.

Try to stick with observations about how you feel and actual actions that have been taken.

For example, let’s say I am struggling to get my teenage son out of bed on a school day morning. There is a whole gamut of feelings and thoughts that run through my mind when he refuses to leave the comfort of his bed and get ready for the day.

I feel irritated, angry, helpless to “make” him do what I want and fearful that he’ll “never” be responsible enough on his own. I think about what I could be doing and how relaxed my morning would be if only he wasn’t being SO darn difficult!

This is real and it’s where I am in the moment…and there’s not a speck of gratitude in there either.

Slapping a smile on my face is just not going to happen. At the same time, amping up the irritation by yelling at him doesn’t help the situation either.

Perhaps the most valuable thing I can do for myself (and my son) is to remember to breathe. I can acknowledge that I am feeling how I am feeling AND I can stop projecting fearfully into the future. I can do my best not to label my son, myself or the tough moment I’m in.

I can be observant about what he is doing, what getting him to school on time requires and what I need to get done during this time as well.

So, where does the gratitude come in?

Invite yourself to genuinely appreciate.

In this example of my anger about my son “refusing” to get up, there is the potential for gratitude– genuine gratitude.

Even in a situation like this, I can be deliberate about what I am thinking. I can create an environment within myself that is conducive to feeling grateful and I can do this without denying what’s going on or pretending that I’m not irritated.

In that tough moment, I can invite myself to look for one thing I can be grateful for. It doesn’t even have to be about my son. It could be about the pleasing softness of my bathrobe on my skin. It could be about the beauty of the sun peeking through the blinds.

I can’t find gratitude when I am fixated on how I fear he will be in years to come. I can’t find gratitude when I tell myself how lazy or disrespectful he is for refusing to get out of bed.

I can dig deep and, with intention, find genuine gratitude for the time that I am sharing with my son right now. It might not be the most pleasant moment he and I have ever shared, but it is precious time together. I can actually cultivate a sense of gratitude for my son even as I make a decision about what I will do next– which may involve him facing the consequences of being late to school, for instance.

Keep on looking up at the glorious sun in the sky and continue to gaze into the eyes of your smiling loved ones and feel gratitude. This is so important and valuable.

At the same time, when you’re in the middle of dark and difficult moment, invite yourself to open up to genuine gratitude for the person or situation that’s troubling you.

Let that gratitude in as well. Watch and notice what happens when you do.

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Plenty of people love to be scared. They watch horror films and, especially this time of year, they seek out haunted houses and delight in being frightened by ghosts, ghouls and zombies.

It’s all fun…when it’s all fun.

Of course, I’m talking about that kind of fear that makes you jump and possibly even scream when you’re not actually in danger. It’s all pretend or it’s fiction you’re reading or watching on a movie screen.

There is that other kind of fear too. This second kind of fear is triggered by past (or current) events when you actually did believe that your safety was somehow in jeopardy. This not very fun kind of fear can also come from beliefs that are strong and intense. Even if you are not actually in danger, it feels as if you are.

While many people choose to feel the fear that comes from visiting haunted houses and watching slasher movies, very few people intentionally focus their attention on that other kind of fear.

Who among us regularly, or ever, seeks out situations, thoughts and experiences that scare us?

I certainly don’t. After all, to truly feel afraid is– well, scary. It honestly doesn’t matter if the fear is rooted in what’s actually going on in a person’s life or if it’s mostly imagined, the effects are the same.

Fear causes the body’s adrenaline to ramp up, the heart to race, stomach to clench, palms to get sweaty or clammy and more. It’s difficult to think clearly or to think at all. Most of us go into a sort of survival mode when we feel afraid.

The impulse for sheer survival makes sense and can certainly serve a person…in appropriate situations.

If, for example, you are in a burning building or a tornado is coming your way, your survival mechanisms can lead you to safety. Your snap reaction to grab your kids and get out of the burning building or to a basement with no windows can mean the difference between life and death.

But, dire situations like this aren’t the only times we go into survival mode because our fear has been triggered.

If you believe that your child is not safe walking home from the school bus and she is 10 minutes late and hasn’t walked in the door yet, your fear reaction may be to panic, get in your car to search the neighborhood or even to call the police.

If you believe that a particular person is out to take your partner away from you and you see that he is talking with that very person who seems, to you, to be a threat to your relationship, your fear reaction might be to physically drag your partner away from the other person or possibly to confront the two of them and make accusations that you have no reliable proof to support.

In both of these examples, there is a possibility that your fears are right on target. Unfortunately, children are sometimes abducted on their way home from the school bus and affairs do happen and break up relationships.

At the same time, there are also many, many children who travel to and from school safely and are unharmed and plenty of couples who have close relationships with no infidelity.

Explore your fears.

When you notice that you are having a fear reaction, the first thing to do is to remember to breathe. Unless you are truly in a life-threatening situation, don’t say or do anything and take 5 (or more) slow and deep breaths.

While continuing to breathe slowly and deeply, ask yourself what your fear reaction is about. Try to sort out what is going now from what you are thinking about that could have happened in the past.

Often, intense fears are rooted in past experiences that were painful or traumatic. This doesn’t mean that these past-oriented fears should merely be swept aside or denied, however. As you probably already know, attempting to pretend that you aren’t afraid doesn’t always work and it isn’t always healthy either.

Abuse of many kinds can usually be traced back to a person’s efforts to tamp down fears or past memories and other uncomfortable emotions. Know that you are courageous enough to explore what it is that scares you.

Be willing to “go there” and unwilling to get stuck there.

When a situation, a person or a thought jumps out at you and says, “Boo!” and you notice that you’re having a fear reaction and that you are not in literal danger, you can calm yourself down and explore what is beneath the reaction. You can be willing to “go there” and figure out what past experience or belief is actually bringing up these feelings and sensations in your body.

You might find it helpful to talk with a counselor or coach about your fears. You could also write in a journal about what’s scaring you.

The intention is to look your fears square in the eye. Don’t make them right or wrong. Don’t try to justify why you have the fears or put yourself down for the way you feel. Get curious and look at exactly what is scaring you in this moment.

And, here’s the sort of tricky part…

While it’s rarely easy to really look at what is scaring you, it is somewhat easy to get stuck in that scary memory or thought. I encourage you to find out what is beneath your fear reaction AND to ask yourself what you need to support your healing and ability to release the fear.

Challenge yourself to keep uncovering what scares you AND to soothe yourself so you can let it go.

This might mean that you question your old beliefs that simply aren’t true or that don’t fit your current experience. This may involve making peace with traumas of the past and remembering that your life is very different now.

Keep growing and freeing yourself for the fearless kind of life you truly want.

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