She’d get frustrated waiting and finally come in to get me. I still think she purposely chose to wear her most outlandish clothes on those nights, those that would be the most embarrassing to a young teenager longing to be popular.

“Oh mother!” I would scowl.

You might not have grown up with your biological mother, but I’m betting that someone– maybe a woman and maybe a man– played the role of mother in your life.

If your mother was anything like mine, you may also have a whole host of memories that include feeling embarrassed by “toreador” pants at a skating rink as well as feeling nurtured, loved and cared for.

Now that I am a mother, I can appreciate how much weight we moms have. This is not to downplay the importance of dads, by the way.

Mothers are the ones who usher us into the world after housing and feeding our developing bodies in utero. Mothers– whether biological or adopted in some form or another– continue to house, feed and care for us. If we are in a healthy home, we are given regular love and support too, often by our mothers.

For some of us, our mothers are our best friends and confidantes at various times in our lives.

There are also those not so comfortable or pleasant associations with mothers… Because mothers are human beings and imperfect just like the rest of us, there are inevitably times when they let us down.

Maybe it’s when we really needed them to be there for us and they weren’t. Maybe it’s when they were caught up or paralyzed by their own worries, fears and angst and all of that negativity spilled over onto us. Maybe it’s the simple realization that our mothers aren’t what we thought they were– whether that image is “good”or “bad.”

There is no doubt that our mothers offer us one of the more complicated, contradictory and messy relationships we’ll ever have.

The result of all of this messiness is often a perception of being “messed up” and somehow marred…and that our mothers are largely to blame.

This may or may not be true for you all of the time or any of the time. For many, however, it is very much part of the story we tell ourselves. It’s all too common to blame our mothers for how we’ve not turned out the way we wish we would have.

This is what causes us to think about, talk to and/or remember our mothers with a bittersweet-ness and maybe some resentment too.

Wipe the slate clean.

As Mother’s Day approaches, my invitation to you is to lighten up on the mother in your life. Stop making her (or him) responsible for where you are right now.

Yes, for sure, she probably played a big role in your early and formative years, even if that role was to largely be absent. Yes, it could be that she hurt you or even abused you in ways that you are still trying to heal.

Even given these possible experiences, I gently invite you to try out lightening up on your mother. You don’t even have to do it for her.

This is the beauty of forgiveness. It is not really for the other person; it is for you.

Of course, you can’t literally wipe the slate clean and pretend that you didn’t have the past experiences with your mother that you had and maybe are still having. It isn’t in your best interests– and may not even be possible– to erase what happened.

What you can wipe clean is your current interaction with your mother. Even if your mother is no longer in your life, you can still do this. You can stop hanging on to the misery that you attribute to her. You can stop letting your memory of her past actions and your perceptions of her current actions dominate your life.

You can stop viewing her– and yourself– through the clouded lens of all that you believe she did (and maybe is still doing) wrong.

Again, this isn’t denial or pretending. This is reminding yourself to make subtle shifts when your own critical and narrow thoughts of her arise. This is encouraging yourself to be present with her and to really listen to what she’s saying…instead of to what you think she means.

Honor and nurture your own self.

Another way to lighten up on your mother is to assume the job of nurturing and honoring yourself. How often do you expect your mother (or others in your life) to fix things and make you feel better?

For sure, it feels good to hear your mother affirm how talented, successful, beautiful and competent you are. A pep talk can really be welcome when your confidence is lagging or you’ve had a tough day.

But, when you make this always and only your mother’s job, you are putting a lot of pressure on her. You also can’t really take in and fully benefit from any loving words she’s able to tell you if you aren’t giving yourself just as much love too.

Practice looking to yourself first for the pep talk and nurturing. If you’re at a loss for what would help you feel better, quiet your mind and open up to know what would feel soothing to you.

If, despite your efforts, you still feel down and depressed, please turn to someone who loves you for support and help. You might also consider meeting with a professional counselor or coach.

The reminder here is to be the #1 person who honors and nurtures you. This means that you are the one to point out your strengths and acknowledge your improvements. It also means that you are the one who stands up and sets boundaries with others when they’re needed…some of those boundaries may be with your mother.

All of this not only helps you to feel better about yourself and your life, it also allows you to see others more clearly. You might even find that you can genuinely appreciate your human and imperfect mother more than ever before.
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Image source: http://thesisterproject.com/orloff/files/2009/05/mom-tattoo.jpg

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The first images that come to me when I think about “contentment” are actually rather boring. Peaceful, yes. Also, pretty dull.

So many of us long for peace in our busy, hectic, triggering and stressful lives. I am certainly among those who yearn for experiences that are easy, satisfying and even-keeled. Unfortunately, though, when there is no drama and life is sailing along relatively smoothly, it can start to feel mundane and dull. It is in those moments that “contentment” seems unbearable and even restrictive.

I notice within myself a seeming contradiction– a longing for peace as an escape from overwhelm and busy-ness clashing with a longing for excitement as an escape from the ease-ful routine.

The result, of course, is no contentment in the drama or the peace.

My stereotypical notions of “contentment” aren’t very accurate. Rocking quietly on a porch does not necessarily equate with contentment. A lack of drama or busy-ness also doesn’t necessarily equate with contentment.

Contentment can actually occur in the middle of a maelstrom of activity and intense emotion. Contentment can happen while sitting on a meditation pillow, in a traffic jam, during a difficult discussion or just after a delicious lovemaking session with a partner.

Contentment is very different than what initially comes to mind.

• Contentment is confidence that support is always there.
• Contentment is openness to whatever arises.
• Contentment is accepting the moment (people and situation) as is.
• Contentment is feeling a sense of peace from the inside out, regardless of what is going on.

Contentment is essential if you want to live your life to its fullest.

Contentment IS required for a fulfilling and exciting life.

This nuanced conception of “contentment” is nowhere near boring. It brings with it the potential for experiencing everything in a new way that can be richer, deeper and brighter than would otherwise be possible.

When you walk into a room with a sense of openness, confidence and acceptance, you interact with others differently and you add a unique energy to the situation. You can more easily appreciate “little” things, conflicts resolve almost effortlessly and you can acknowledge the many miracles that crop up every single moment.

Living a contented life allows you to be more fully alive.

You are no longer caught up in worrying about how you will fix, change or improve a relationship, person, situation or yourself and, instead, you take it all as it is. You accept every person as he or she is and aren’t distracted by what you think that person (or you) “should” be.

Does this mean that you let yourself be walked on and abused or that you have no boundaries?

No!

Acceptance and openness provide plenty of room for you to be authentic, create agreements, make requests and set boundaries when you’re called to.

You can be contented AND ask your boss to speak to you with a kinder tone of voice.
You can be contented AND say “no” to your daughter.
You can be contented AND tell your partner that you’re ending the relationship.

The difference is that you make peace with the person and situation as is and, at the same time, you follow through with a decision that is true for you. When there is no contentment, the feeling of peace is wrongly linked to what your boss, daughter or partner says or does.

Contentment means that you don’t have to wait for a certain set of conditions to happen in order for you to feel okay, happy, even joyful and fully alive.

You can feel all of these no matter what.

Bring more contentment into your life.

“Contentment is knowing that everything you need is contained in this moment.”

Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron brings this expansive conception of contentment into focus. If you want to feel contentment, keep reminding yourself that literally everything you need is right here, right now.

Yes, you might like it if your boss didn’t yell at you, but you don’t literally need him or her to do anything different in order for you to feel some morsel of contentment.

This can be a tough one to consider, I know!

You can make a request or set a firm boundary and still genuinely know that everything you need is contained in this moment.

Experiment with this idea the next time you feel out of sorts or as if your life is lacking in some way.

Really look at the irritating, fearful or stressful thought that’s dominating your mood and ask yourself if you truly need anything other than what is right now. Remember to differentiate between what you need and what you would prefer.

Preferences are fabulous, but they aren’t usually necessities.

When it comes down to it, if you are living and breathing in the moment, you have everything that you need. Your next choice is how alive and capable of fully experiencing this moment you will allow yourself to be.

Contentment is the key that unlocks the door. It is both the end state and the richness along the way.

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What If…

Life was actually an adventure to be lived and not a struggle to be endured?

You already are as beautiful/competent/successful/intelligent/creative as you’re striving to be?

You looked around at ALL that you are and and ALL that is going on in your life instead of only at the problems and things needing to be “fixed?”

Your partner/kids/parents/siblings/friends/world don’t need to be changed after all?

Nobody and nothing was working against you?

There really wasn’t anything to prove? Nothing at all.

Challenges and mishaps were experienced as opportunities for growth and expansion?

You’re already free to be, do or have whatever you desire?

The journey was more rewarding than the achievement of goals?

You didn’t wait to be joyful?

Your smile and kind words– for even just one person– could set off a chain reaction that would positively transform the world?

**What are your “What If?” questions? How would you and your life be different if you asked yourself questions like these every day?

[This Wikipedia and Wikimedia Commons image is from the user Chris 73 and is freely available at //commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:NautilusCutawayLogarithmicSpiral.jpg under the creative commons cc-by-sa 3.0 license.]

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What Would Jesus See?

Over the weekend there were several moments when I knew.

I participated in Martha Creek’s “Journey Within” workshop and it was amazing (to put it mildly). Emotional, intense, uplifting, opening, liberating and so much more.

The weekend consisted of one exercise after another that encouraged the other women and I who took part to really hone in on our habitual ways of thinking and being and to explore what it might be like to be free…

Free to be the people we’d be– and that we are– underneath all of the layers that we carry around on a daily basis. Those layers are what prevent us from being fully open to the love, beauty and value in others and in ourselves too.

During one exercise, we were instructed to connect with another workshop participant using no words or touch. For several minutes, all we did was stand there and look into the other person’s eyes before moving to look into the eyes of someone else. This repeated until we’d each had the opportunity to individually connect with all in the room.

What is usually an uncomfortable sort of interaction became surprisingly transcendent for me.

As I looked at each person in front of me over the course of the exercise, I felt as if I was seeing as Jesus would see. I could only see and sense the amazing, perfect and precious human being standing there.

I will admit to you that while I was brought up Christian, I do not identify as one now. Regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs, you can probably get what I’m talking about when I say that I was able to see like Jesus in those moments.

When I think of what I was taught and have read about Jesus, I think of his compassion for and unconditional acceptance of others. Jesus is not the only spiritual leader known for this. Buddha, Krishna and Mohammed were also enlightened teachers and, while their lessons were distinct, there was a current of viewing others with a sense of love, acceptance and purity in all.

Of course, I’m talking more than just physical looking. This is about looking, appreciating and genuinely valuing the mind/body/spirit of another.

This is what I felt. For the first time in a long time– possibly forever– I could gaze into the eyes of another person and see a perfect and beautiful essence. While before I might engage in all sorts of mind traps of comparison and judgment, all of that fell away.

And it felt amazing!

While the natural high and clarity that I came away from the workshop with has faded to some degree, I am continuing to ask myself this question when I deal with people and as I look in the mirror…

“What Would Jesus See?”

If you’re interested in joining me in this intentional way of living and interacting with others, remember this…

Look with no agenda other than to truly see.

Life gets busy and messy and complicated. It’s all too easy to look at another person with a lot of agenda going on.

For instance, when I look at my sons, I have a tendency to think about all of the things that I might want to “fix” about them. Is it time for a haircut? Has he washed his face today? Does he look happy or stressed out?

Those questions form a whole heap of judging and critical thoughts that come through in my words and actions. That is what prevents me from seeing them as perfect as they already are. That’s what leads me to pick at them, make “helpful” suggestions or even to love them less than I could in that moment.

When you look with no agenda other than to truly see, this is not about only focusing on the “good” or “pleasing” aspects. This is about seeing hair stuck out, blemishes, wrinkles, impatience, stinginess, harsh words, kind words, physical attractiveness and generosity– seeing it ALL– and acknowledging the precious perfection of it ALL.

In my imagination, Jesus (or any other enlightened teacher) would see it ALL and would love it ALL, right now and as is. The benefits to both the seer and the seen are endless.

Turn loving-kindness in on yourself.

This kind of seeing is impossible if it only flows out to others and isn’t directed inward as well. If you’ve ever felt insecure, ugly, inferior, worthless or inadequate in some way, you already know that this is the perspective that you also view the world with.

Even if you play comparison games and find others so much “better” than you, your view is inevitably skewed by your own self-hatred.

Look in the mirror or close your eyes and explore your inner landscape through meditation. Invite yourself to view you with complete love. [Hint: You can even view your resistance to this invitation with love.]

If loving yourself with this level of acceptance is just not happening, scale it back. Start out by affirming that this is who you are right now. This is your body. These are your habits. This is your state at the moment…

And, it is all okay.

Breathe into that sense of being okay and let it really sink in.

The next time you do this, try for love and see what happens.

Whether you are looking in the mirror or into the eyes of your loved ones, co-workers, neighbors or strangers walking down the street, ask yourself….

“What Would Jesus See?”

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For more information about Martha Creek, visit www.marthacreek.com

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To me, this is the road to nowhere.

Goals are set, plans are made, dreams are dreamt…and yet I seem to stay stuck in the same routine. I don’t appear to be moving anywhere nearer to those aspired places.

Of course, this isn’t entirely true. If I take a step back, I can see that I am actually living the kind of life that I envision. In many ways, it’s exactly the kind of life I have envisioned. I do occasionally reach my goals– especially those “little” ones. But, it doesn’t really feel that way.

Lurking in the background of my day-to-day life is often a sense that I am not entirely sure where I am going and a doubt that I am on my way to where I think I’d like to (or should) go. It can be confusing and frustrating.

Many people experience this “road to nowhere-ness” occasionally, or more frequently. It can take the shape of boredom, dullness and being on auto-pilot. At other times, it feels like bitterness, depression and regret about perceived missed opportunities and “wrong turns.”

The effects are the same.

On the road to nowhere, there is little hope or excitement about what’s going on now in one’s life and certainly none for what’s expected to come.

There are many reasons why a lot of us sometimes feel disheartened about where we are and where we’re headed…

• We become used to disappointment, “failure” and settling for less because that’s what we only see in our lives.

• We stop dreaming– sometimes at an early age– because we feel unworthy or incapable of realizing what we truly want.

• We get caught up (and overwhelmed) by our daily lives and can’t see beyond where we are.

• We become comfortable and complacent and are nervous or afraid to step outside what we know.

Figure out where you want to go.

Giving yourself permission to dream (again) and to set goals– that might even feel “big” and “outrageous”– is the first step out of feeling trapped on the road to nowhere. Notice how you feel and what your habit is when it comes to thinking beyond the parameters of your life as it is.

It is most definitely important to find genuine appreciation for where you are. This means that you look for and acknowledge with real gratitude where you are now in terms of your career, finances, relationships, health, body size and overall sense of accomplishment– or lack there of.
The best launching point out of a place of doldrums and dissatisfaction and to a place of excitement and enthrallment is appreciation. So, look around you and get appreciative AND envision beyond where you are too.

This might feel weird and uncomfortable, so be gentle with yourself, but also persistent. If you feel overwhelmed or start to get caught up in questions of, “What’s practical?” or “How will I ever achieve THAT?” pause and breathe.

Keep your focus on what you would enjoy and like to experience in life. Put your attention on desiring and imagining what it would feel like to have right now what you are dreaming of.

Bring a sense of movement into your daily life.

Many teachers (including Abraham, Joe Vitale, Marci Shimoff and others) frequently remind us to only take action after getting pumped up and excited first. It’s tempting to wait to be happy and feel fulfilled until after reaching that hallowed goal or realizing the golden dream.

But that’s not the way it works.

The feeling needs to come first and that’s not always easy, I know. Again, intentionally cultivating appreciation is useful and rewarding too. It bolsters the mood and feeds the spirit.

Do whatever you can to bring a sense of movement into your daily life. Remind yourself– by consciously choosing the thoughts you repeat and also by making deliberate decisions– that you actually ARE putting one foot in front of the other and that you are moving ahead in your life.

Challenge yourself to keep that sense of movement alive and strong. This might mean that you stop doing some of the things you’ve “always done” that cause you to feel stuck or in a holding pattern.

For example, think about where you usually say “Yes” or “No” just because that’s your habitual reaction. Take a moment to consider how you really want to respond to the request or opportunity before you. Answer from a place of positive and self-affirming movement and not from mere routine.

Make peace with the road to nowhere.

Ultimately, the secret to achieving any goal and to living your dream life is to make peace with where you are. This might mean that you make it okay to be on a “road to nowhere” with no end point or goal in mind.

You don’t have to set lofty goals or come up with ways that you’re going to make a BIG and important mark on the world. It can be more than just okay to be wandering and meandering through life if that’s what feels best to you.

This can be a place for excitement and wonder and value too.

Happiness and joy are available to you whether or not you are goal-oriented. The road to nowhere could lead you in a straight-line to places and experiences you aspire to and it can also lead in delicious and interesting circles. Either way, it can be paradise…if you let it.

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“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
~Rumi

I imagine this field that Rumi refers to.

I see it as this sunny, peaceful space where flowers are always in bloom, birds sing and everyone lives in harmony.

Fully visible is what lies beneath those heavy layers of judgment, criticism, blaming, superiority, ignorance, fear and hatred that we all are blanketed by from time to time.

We can be our best selves and and can see the best in others.

But, is this field a practical possibility in everyday life?

I wonder.

My younger son frequently gets so caught up in whether his actions are right or wrong. He feels guilty and bad if he is asked to change some behavior– even if the request is made in a non-blaming way.

I wonder where he gets this self-limiting and destructive habit…

Oh, yeah….

Probably from me.

When I listen to myself, I hear how right/wrong and good/bad consistently creep into my speech and actions. It’s been an intention of mine to teach my children particular lessons to live a kind and loving life. Unfortunately, there is an undercurrent of dichotomous judgment in there.

My well-meaning lessons keep them away from Rumi’s field. They take me away too.

We recycle plastic containers and cardboard boxes instead of throwing them into the trash because we believe it is better for the environment. But, my neighbor’s trash can overflows with boxes and other recyclable items week after week.

Is it wrong that our neighbors don’t recycle? Are they bad for not recycling?

My answer to both of these questions is “No.” However, I am also aware of the uncomfortable voice in my head that scorns them and their “bad” environmental practices. I know the benefits of recycling and the negative effects of overflowing landfills.

I could fill page after page with examples like this. Everyday, a set of circumstances or particular actions are considered and decisions are made. Life can feel like a series of good/bad choices.

So, is there really a field out beyond right and wrong? If so, how do I get there from here? What might I have to give up to go there?

The difference between preference and judgment.

A starting point to accessing both Rumi’s field AND remaining true to my priorities is to affirm the important distinction between preference and judgment.

We all have preferences and some of our preferences go deep. I prefer chocolate ice cream, but don’t feel passionate about it. I also prefer to resolve conflicts that arise in my life in peaceful ways.

This second preference is one that I do feel strongly about. In my family, it is understood that we won’t hit or hurt one another when an argument comes up. This policy has been in effect since my children were babies.

I not only prefer, I also value and prioritize being peaceful and my family agrees.

However, I would cross the line if one of my sons punched the other and I called him “bad.” It would be a judgment for me to tell him that hitting is “wrong.”

In some ways, this feels like merely semantics and possibly it is. I believe that there is a distinction even though it can feel subtle and maybe a bit slippery too.

It comes down to the underlying beliefs I have and that I speak and act from. I can cultivate compassion for the son who hit compelled by his frustration and anger. I can communicate my preference for peace and I can set boundaries AND I can do this without making the hitting and especially not the person “bad.”

To me, this is expressing my preference and I can make sure I am authentically in the place of preference and not merely covering over judgment.

This isn’t easy stuff, this field out beyond right and wrong.

Open to seeing the perfect being within.

So, here’s what I invite myself to do (and you could do it too if you choose)…

Look for and address the perfect, divine being in others and in myself.

When a judgment pops into my mind or out of my mouth, I remind myself to uncover what my preference is instead and to find a way to communicate about that preference. I can work from the inside out and challenge my beliefs so that the words or actions I choose are truly moving beyond what’s good and bad, right and wrong.

As I make this sort of shift, my view of the situation and the people involved– myself included– also shifts. Barriers come down. Compassion and maybe even appreciation can come in.

Perhaps Rumi’s field isn’t all sunny and flowery all of the time after all. Perhaps perfection and divinity show up in ways that don’t initially seem all that perfect. Maybe the key to moving out beyond is being willing to get messy in the gray and muck with clear vision and an open heart.

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We call the auspicious day in which we have a February 29th, Leap Day.

What a wonderful opportunity!

Marking Leap Day is a perfect time to push ourselves a bit (or a lot).

When I think of taking a leap, the first image that comes into my mind is parachuting. I can see myself leaping confidently out of an airplane, free falling amid the clouds and blue sky and then pulling the cord of my parachute to drift back down to the ground.

Let me be clear…

At this moment in my life, I have no intention of jumping out of an airplane. It’s not even on my bucket list. (But, then again, who knows?)

The image of taking a leap from an airplane is symbolic of doing that which I don’t normally do. For me, taking a leap is all about amping up my life and trying new things. This also includes taking my current habits to the next level.

This sort of leaping is exciting and filled with potential. It’s also often quite terrifying.

If you’re like me, you are relatively comfortable with your day-to-day life.

You get up in the morning, kiss loved ones, eat your breakfast, spend your day in a relatively consistent way and with a similar group of people, eat dinner, spend some time exercising, veg out with some entertainment and go to sleep.

Yes, this is a bit boring, but it’s also reliable and what’s expected.

Even if you don’t have such a predictable routine, you are probably somewhat comfortable with what you do in the course of a day and you most likely live within at least semi-familiar bounds.

There’s nothing wrong with consistency, reliability or even predictability.

But…

Because it’s Leap Day, challenge yourself to take some aspect of your life to that next level.

Here are just a few areas in which you can do this…

–Your relationships with others.

– Your career.

–Your relationship with yourself.

–Your relationship with your body.

–Your stalled goals.

– Your unwanted habits.

–Your relationship with money.

– Your relationship with fun.

–Your overall approach to life.

As you can see, there’s no limit on where you might choose to take a leap today (and beyond today as well). I recommend that you choose one focus for your leaping to ensure that you actually follow through and don’t get overwhelmed.

Maybe you tend to gripe about your partner to your friends. The leap might be to communicate your truth about the situation to your partner instead of to your friends. Without making him or her wrong, be honest about how you feel and what you want. Create some agreements together that will bring improvement.

This might sound like a “little” leap, but if your habit is to complain to friends because it feels easier than talking with your partner, this isn’t such a little leap after all.

The ultimate goal is to propel yourself further than before…and in a direction you want to go.

Right now, I encourage you to pick one aspect of yourself or your life in which you’re going to take a leap starting today.

Write it down if that helps you focus in on the leap ahead___________________________.

And now, some advice because leaping can feel (and be) risky…

Be wise.

There IS a risk involved when you try something new or do something usual in a new way. It can feel confusing when your impulses seem to be pulling you in a million different directions.

For example, your leap may relate to your job. Perhaps you’ve felt dissatisfied and ready to quit for some time now but your fears about how you’ll make your car payment or rent keep you stuck where you are.

Make yourself fully aware of what you are risking. This doesn’t have to be a fearful or “worst case” perspective. It does need to be an eyes-wide-open and conscious decision.

Most of the time, it truly is wisest to look before you leap!

So, explore options and come up with ideas for how you can make a leap in a way that’s most beneficial to you in the short- and long-term.

Today, your leap might be to submit job applications or to update your resume instead of putting in your two weeks’ notice at work. There’s nothing wrong with taking the bigger leap and actually walking away from your job either.

The point here is to be smart about this.

Returning to the parachuting analogy, you probably wouldn’t jump out of an airplane without first making sure that you’re wearing a fully-functioning parachute and that you know which cord to pull to open it.

Be brave.

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes” is frequently quoted advice attributed to Gray Panthers activist, Maggie Kuhn.

Taking a leap isn’t for sissies and none of us are sissies!

Just know that you’re probably going to feel some inner resistance to the leap you choose to make. One part of you may be screaming “NO!” while another part is eagerly moving forward in the direction of that open airplane door.

Remember to breathe and keep yourself focused on what you do want. Remind yourself of why you’re choosing to take this leap.

What do you hope to gain from taking this leap?
Do you want to experience a different culture or part of the world you’ve never before visited? Are you hoping to create more peace and harmony with a loved one? Do you want to be able to walk up three flights of stairs without feeling like you’re going to collapse?

Stay focused on why you’re drawn to make this leap and trust that the way forward will be clear to you.

How do you want to feel during and after the leap?
How about excited, elated, charged up, invigorated, healthy, happy, blissful, peaceful, relaxed….?

What’s the feeling state you’re intending to have both during and after you take this leap? Yes, there might be some fear and hesitation mixed in, but make room for the deliciousness of it too.

Happy Leap Day to all!

Please feel free to share about your Leap Day leap in the comments section below.

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“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill!”

You’ve probably heard this adage before, maybe from your grandmother or a great-uncle.

Recently, I found myself essentially saying the same thing to my older son. As I listened to him list off all of the huge and impossible situations in his life, I couldn’t help myself.

I told him that, from my vantage point,- things aren’t as dire as he was making them out to be.

I urged him to stop making problems when there really aren’t any.

Easy for me to say, huh?!

The view from outside another person’s situation can be vastly different. It can feel like a diminishment or a denial to be told that you’re making a big deal out of nothing when everything feels SO BIG.

It wasn’t my intention to make light of the problems that are very real and significant to my son; I was trying to help him lighten up and feel less stuck. Unfortunately, my intention didn’t come through.

From where he stood in that moment, my son couldn’t hear my advice that he should stop making problems when there really aren’t any.

As with many aspects of personal growth, being told what you should do differently can come off as a slap in the face. The most significant changes are made when you come to realizations on your own.

I believe that we can certainly learn from others and be inspired by the example of people we know (or know of). But, the real work of digging in to understand ourselves and to expand in meaningful and lasting ways originates on the inside.

Perhaps my son did hear some part of what I was trying to say to him that day. Either way, the choice to experience and meet the challenges in his life differently is one he will make because of an inner decision to do so and not because I tell him it’s better that way.

My invitation to you is to look at the ways that you might make problems in your life.

There are many reasons why many of us do this…

–We get bored and want excitement, even if it comes in the form of an obstacle.
–We become accustomed to living a problem-filled life.
– We (consciously or unconsciously) identify as a victim and almost expect to be assailed by one problem after another.
– We feel a sense of accomplishment at having solved a problem (or even grappling with one) and begin to base our self worth on overcoming adversity.

In other words, we become problem-oriented. While the specific reasons why we create problems vary, it can be habitual and even addictive. There is a certain allure to making problems out of situations that aren’t necessarily problems. An all-consuming focus takes over and adrenaline rushes when a problem is perceived.

Nobody will admit to enjoying problems, but many of us encounter life itself as a great big problem because it does bring with it a certain “high.”

So, what’s the problem with creating problems?

The drawback to this habit is that it’s stressful! The body tends to go into a fight, flight or freeze mode leading to a reactive way of living. This can be detrimental to your health, your relationships, your ability to effectively reach your goals and your overall life satisfaction.

Stop making problems for yourself.

Easy for me to say, huh?!

But, seriously, if you have a tendency to make problems for yourself, recognize it. Take a step back and observe your usual reaction when things go differently than you planned or when you face a new or big challenge.

Do you…

– Expect that you’re going to fail, things will malfunction or that someone else will let you down?
– Believe that it will take a miracle for this to go smoothly or to achieve what you want?
– Keep waiting for the “other shoe” to drop?

If it seems like you are in a near-constant state of turmoil or that you move from one catastrophe to the next, it’s possible that you have a habit of creating problems for yourself.

Pay attention to these indicators and look deeper. Try to understand why you might have this habit. What are your beliefs that set you up to keep creating problems in your life?

If you acknowledge that you have a habit of creating problems, don’t make THIS yet another problem. Instead, notice it and learn from it.

Remind yourself of the benefits of not feeling like you’re always facing opposition or in crisis most of the time. Encourage yourself to lighten up and move more smoothly through whatever comes up.

Take a different perspective on your problems.

The more you can shift your view of yourself, your life, your relationships, your career, your health and everything else that goes on within and around you, the easier it will be for you to stop making problems.

Let me be clear here…

I am NOT advising you to ignore or deny very real things going on. I do NOT recommend that you pretend that you aren’t experiencing what you’re experiencing.

What I AM encouraging you to do is to ask yourself if there is a different perspective you might take on something that feels like a problem to you. Explore all approaches, options and responses you could take and see which one feels like the best fit.

Invite yourself to possibly even enjoy the process of learning what works (and what doesn’t work) in a particular situation.

I’m also reminding you to stop yourself and return to the present moment when you start to anticipate a problem. Instead of futurizing how difficult _____ will be, come back to right now.

Look around you and live fully, creatively and innovatively in the moment you are in.

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Each of us has different preferences– some like things “hotter” than others– but it seems that the human condition is to want interesting and maybe even thrilling experiences and relationships.

Unfortunately, it’s common for people to mostly feel bored and listless about their daily lives. We yearn for more from life, don’t believe that we’re getting that “more” and this can lead to disappointment or even harmful and self-defeating habits.

Last week, I talked about the importance of cultivating a healthy, thriving inner fire. I pointed out a few ways that many of us extinguish the fire that we do have going on.

Our fears, self-criticisms and reliance on other people or things for a sense of excitement are some examples. At one time or another, just about every single one of us has probably undermined inner fire in these ways.

So…

How can a person turn what feels like a dull and possibly even a soul-sucking life into one that is fully alive and dynamic?

Try these fire starters…

#1: Take regular quiet time.

Yes, I know. The idea of sitting quietly on a meditation pillow or a chair while focusing on your breathing and clearing your mind doesn’t exactly scream out “inner fire,” does it?

Give this idea a chance, because it’s so essential to cultivating and nurturing inner fire.

So many of us multi-task and go through life at break-neck speeds. Our minds are crammed full of all kinds of information. Overwhelm and overload tend to dominate our lives.

Taking quiet time to meditate, pray or sit doing nothing but following the breath in and out can be magical. How?

When you calm your mind’s chatter and free up space within, a lot of amazing and maybe even transformational a-ha’s can arise.

You might be able to see a difficult situation from a completely different perspective. You may have an inspired idea about a new project for work or a design change for your home.

This new perspective or vision can bring a sense of freshness and interest to your everyday life. It can most certainly stoke your inner fire.

#2: Follow wise impulses.

There’s so much advice around– from websites, blogs, friends, family and more– that many of us have become accustomed to listening more to what others say we “should” or “have to” do. We stop listening to and trusting what we are being called from within to be and do.

Even the word “impulse” has dangerous and irresponsible connotations. I know that, in the past, I’ve certainly followed an impulse or two that did not take me where I wanted to go.

The trick here is to sift through impulses that are fear- or anger-based or guilt-induced and get down to the core. Really learn how to listen for your own wise impulses.

Access to your wise and intuitive inner voice is made possible by slowing down your mind, setting aside your “to do” lists and (at least temporarily) shutting off your worries about what you think you should do.

Thus, the benefit of taking regular quiet time.

Once a wise impulse comes to you, the invitation is to trust it.

If you believe that you’ve made “bad” decisions in the past, trusting yourself could be a big challenge. Be willing to take it slow. Start out by following what feel like small impulses and watch what happens.

For instance, you could pay closer attention to what you are drawn to eat or which route you are compelled to drive home from work.

What does it feel like and what is the result when you follow up on your wise impulses? What happens when you ignore those wise impulses or you allow yourself to be guided by worry or anger instead?

What you’ll probably find is that when you tune in to a wise impulse and actually do what you are drawn to do, there will be a sense of invigoration and spark.

#3: Move your body.

Have fun and get creative with this process of awakening your inner fire.

I find that moving my body is a wonderful way to light my own fire and keep it thriving. If I’m feeling stuck or down, a workout at the gym is absolutely energizing. Walking my dog accompanied by favorite songs on my mp3 player definitely clears my head and perks up my interest.

Dance if you dread getting on a treadmill. Put on upbeat music that you love and let your body do what it wants to do.

Studies have shown that cognitive, creative potential is boosted with aerobic activity, so get moving.

When you move your body, your mind tends to clear and it’s usually easier to really be in your body instead of caught up in your thoughts. Similar to meditation, the effects are more internal space and, within that space, wise impulses and a-ha’s will come with ease.

#4: Allow yourself to be inspired.

Look around at the people and things in your life and let yourself be inspired by them. In last week’s post, I cautioned against making others responsible for your sense of excitement.

I encourage you to remember this caution AND to be inspired by what (and who) is around you. Notice where your source of inner fire comes from. Is it coming from outside of you or from within?

If your fire feels cold and dead, it’s unfair and virtually impossible for another person to re-start it. It’s just not going to happen or sustain.

It’s up to YOU to open up to and engage with life in a way that gets your fire going again. Intentionally build up your own fire and keep it nourished. With a little spark from within, you can more easily see and be amazed by the acts of courage, love, fun and adventure that were already going on around you in other people’s lives.

As you appreciate the people and natural wonders around you, your fire can burn even brighter. The awesome part is that the more you tend your own fire, the more others get to be inspired by you too!

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There are definite sensations in the body, mind and spirit.

My inner fire feels like wide awake, energized, excited about whatever I am doing, pumped up, full of ideas, fully alive and open to possibility. It might not last too long, but those fiery moments are intense and uplifting.

The whole notion of “inner fire” might initially seem trite or cliche, but it’s absolutely essential. Think about a life of dullness, boredom, apathy, no feeling and nonexistent drive.

This is not an appealing life to me and I doubt it is for you.

Nobody wants to walk around feeling uninspired, cold and on autopilot on the inside– with an external life reflecting that. The cure is to allow, nurture and stoke your inner fire. The benefits are immediate when it comes to how you feel and what you are able to experience. The benefits are also long-term as it is more possible to accomplish feats beyond your expectations when bolstered by a well-maintained inner fire.

Cultivating a healthy and sustainable inner fire isn’t always as easy as it sounds.

If it was as simple as wishing for more inner spark and, voila, instantly feeling it many of us would be much happier and engaged with life most of the time. Unfortunately, our own thoughts, beliefs and actions spring up and put out the bit of inner fire we’ve brought up with intention.

Here are some common fire extinguishers…

#1) Beliefs about routine.

Most of us are creatures of routine. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can make you more efficient at doing whatever you do. A known and dependable foundation in your life can be the springboard for reaching goals and new heights.

Routine doesn’t have to kill inner fire. It is possible to move through a similar set of actions in your daily life and do so with excitement and eagerness.

The trouble is, many of us don’t interact this way with our routines. You might count down the days until vacation (who wouldn’t?). You may drag yourself to work each day and slog through everyday house chores.

You might believe that there is something inherently soul-crushing and unbearably dull about your routine and so that’s the way it’s experienced. So much more is missed when this is your mindset.

It is not so much that routine puts out inner fire; it’s beliefs about routine that do so.

#2) Relying on an external spark.

It’s called an INNER fire for good reason. How many times do any of us look to other people, activities and perceived adventures to get the spark going and keep it going?

This can happen in virtually any arena of life.

You might look to your partner, your co-workers, your actual work, your kids, your sports teams, your hobbies, your neighborhood and anybody or anything else you can to provide you with a sense of excitement.

If those people and activities fail to light your fire, you might turn to substances like alcohol, drugs, sugar or caffeine for a boost– a reach for some momentary semblance of fire in your life.

If this is what you do, you’re by no means alone.

Looking outside yourself for the sustenance of inner fire is setting yourself up for pain and disappointment so catch yourself when you do it.

Gently and lovingly remind yourself that nobody and nothing is responsible for your inner fire but you.

#3) Putting yourself down.

So many of us are accustomed to brutal (and often inaccurate) self-criticism, we aren’t even aware that we’re doing it. Every single put down is a diminishment of your inner fire.

I know, low self esteem isn’t always easy to turn around. It’s habitual and it can be rooted in deep and wounded memories from the past. Acknowledge it if you tend to be insecure or you have low self esteem.

Uncover what you think and do that is negative and self-deprecating. Pause the next time you’re about to point out how fat/untalented/dumb/clumsy/hopeless or whatever you think and say about yourself. In that pause, ask yourself if that comment or thought will fuel or put out your inner fire.

As true as the put down might feel in this moment, remember that you don’t actually HAVE to continue and think or say what popped into your mind.

#4) Fears.

I don’t know about you, but fire seems scary to me.

After all, it has the power to consume and destroy. I can remember the intense heat and slight singe when, as a kid, I’d put another log into our wood stove. It was clear to me that you don’t mess around with fire or you will get seriously hurt.

This is not an unwise or inaccurate perception of fire.

But, to what extent does my (or your) healthy appreciation for the dangers of fire cross over into a debilitating fear that extinguishes my own inner fire?

I am well aware of the times in my life when I’ve made a rash decision or I felt “consumed” by a passionate emotion and later regretted acting upon it. These perceptions and experiences have built up my fears about my own inner fire and this stops and blocks it.

What are your fears about your own inner fire and power?

Honestly look at them and notice the ways that your fears take over and possibly prevent you from living as engaged with others and life as you’d like.

So…

What are the fire extinguishers in your life?

Next week…
How to re-spark and sustain your inner fire.

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