I don’t like to think of myself as a manipulative person. I don’t like to think about myself as driven by the desire to be rewarded for my “good” or benevolent acts.
But, when I’m really honest with myself, I can see this in there. Rarely is it conscious, yet, when I look at the range of what motivates and propels me to say and do the things I do… it’s there.
The craving for and expectation of a reward.
What does accepting– even loving– your body have to do with what really matters in life? Why is feeling beautiful important anyway?
After all, wars are being waged, people are losing their jobs, people are starving and suffering, the Earth is changing in many worrisome and scary ways…
Aren’t those the really important things?
When I get all caught up in feeling less than lovely, I start to feel embarrassed. It seems somewhat narcissistic and self-obsessed for me to be stressing out and consumed by my negative perceptions of how I think my body looks.
As a child, I dreamed of being a Country & Western singer (I don’t even know if such a musical category still exists today). I would sing as I did my chores, sing as I walked to school and sing every other moment I could. I even had a stage name picked out for myself– it was Dusty Rose, I think.
I’m not sure if my elementary school-aged self really believed that one day I would be a professional singer, but it was certainly an enchanting dream. As I got older, my aspirations for what I wanted to be changed.
Why would anyone want to spend any time or energy returning to those hormone-racing, pimple-filled, angst-ridden teenage years?
Precisely because for just about every one of us there’s a lot that is unresolved about them.
Each of our raging inner teens come barging into our lives from time to time leaving us scratching our heads wondering…
Where did that reaction come from???
When you go inside and help your inner teen to heal, it’s quite likely that you’ll find a greater sense of peace, a boost in confidence and self-esteem and the space to be and do what you keep meaning to be and do.
You can ask my kids– I really don’t like clutter. I get all squirrely and irritable when the piles of books, papers, 
electronics, toys or whatever get too high and are spread too widely throughout the house.
I’ll be the first one to admit that it’s not just their stuff that adds to the feeling I get of being stuffed in to a space with too many things out and about.
When I reach my clutter breaking point, I generally huff around a bit barking out calls for tidiness and picking up after ourselves.
Lately, my shoulders have been very, very tight. My husband massages them and I hear the icky crunch of the tight muscle. I stretch them, use counter-pressure and remind myself to breathe.
And still my shoulders get tight. This affects my neck, arms and entire back– in unpleasant ways.
I am able to relax on the weekends and experience some loosening up, but especially after an extended period of time at work writing at my computer, the tightness ratchets back up leaving me uncomfortable and sometimes in pain.
Through the peaks, valleys and sheer drop-offs of life, it can be easy to become lost.
I’m not talking about veering from the path that society or your family has set for you. I’m talking about getting disconnected and far far away from your true, authentic self.
This might be the you who you used to be. The person who knew what he or she wanted and went for it. The you who was clear, confident and self-aware.
Maybe you haven’t felt this way since you were a young child. Perhaps you’ve never ever felt in touch with the real you.
