Where’s My Reward?
I don’t like to think of myself as a manipulative person. I don’t like to think about myself as driven by the desire to be rewarded for my “good” or benevolent acts.
But, when I’m really honest with myself, I can see this in there. Rarely is it conscious, yet, when I look at the range of what motivates and propels me to say and do the things I do… it’s there.
The craving for and expectation of a reward.
Mixed in among my genuine desire to be kind, loving, supportive and present for the people I care about, I can detect a yearning for the payoff. I’m not even clear about what that reward or payoff would literally be, but the desire for it is clearly present.
Quite a few religions appear to (or overtly) promise rewards for “good” and “right” actions. The idea (which may be quite different from what the religion itself actually teaches) is that if I do something that is deemed “right” or “morally sound,” I will reap benefits at some point in the future. That future may be within this lifetime or after.
In addition to these religious “promises,” there are countless lessons of reward throughout one’s lifetime.
As a kid, you may have been taken out for ice cream as a reward for sitting still at your brother’s orchestra concert or for being well-mannered during a visit with your great-great aunt.
In school, the payoff to your class for listening attentively, doing what your teacher told you to do and getting your assignments in on time might have been an occasional pizza party.
As an adult, there is sometimes a literal payoff in the form of monetary bonus from your employer as a way to reward high quality work.
There is nothing necessarily wrong with any of these examples of reward.
But…
Troubles arise when we expect the payoff so much that it becomes more important than the actual action itself. If, for some reason, the reward does not come after we’ve followed the rules, worked hard or acted in what we believe is a moral way, we are disappointed and maybe even angry and resentful.
Even if the payoff happens, our motivation starts to be mainly (or only) the reward, the potential joys, fulfillment and moments of connection with others is overshadowed or missed completely.
Look at the layers of your motivation.
As with any habit like this, the first challenge is to acknowledge (and admit to) it. Be honest with yourself if you are expecting a payoff. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just helpful to notice.
Pay attention to how strongly attached you are to receiving that reward that may or may not happen.
What is your motivation in saying, doing or acting in a particular way?
You’ll be more effective at de-fusing disappointment and resentment if you can be as loving and kind with yourself as you do this, by the way.
For example, there are times when, deep down inside, I feel resentful towards my older son if he speaks to me in a way that I perceive is dismissive or condescending. Even though I know that this manner of speaking comes out for everyone occasionally, in those moments I get angry.
I wonder where MY payoff is for all of the time, energy, care and attention I’ve given him over the years. My thoughts go something like… “Wait! Where is my reward for all I’ve done for him?” It’s as if, in my mind, my teen son should ALWAYS be respectful and in good humor and that’s my reward.
Kind of a messed up line of thinking, I know!
Thankfully, these thoughts and feelings are usually a quiet undercurrent when they come up. The mothering-to-get-payoff is certainly not my main motivation, but it’s there.
If I pretend that it’s not there, it’s allowed to continue– and to get bigger. That’s when the real trouble begins for my own sense of fulfillment and inner peace and for my relationships as well.
Do whatever you do for the joy of it.
The big lesson here is to be aware if you have (even “little”) yearnings for a payoff. Explore your hidden motivations. Pause and reassess without making yourself “bad” or “wrong.”
This could be your signal that, whatever you are doing, your heart just isn’t genuinely in it.
This might be the time for you to question your usual actions and the responsibilities you’ve taken on and better understand your motivations.
It is absolutely essential that you make conscious choices in your life.
Before taking an action or saying “yes” (or “no”), ask yourself if you can find some satisfaction or joy in the sheer doing of whatever it is. Can you be genuinely at peace with what you are about to do whether or not there is some reward at the end of the day?
Above all, don’t keep score or hold anyone else responsible for how you feel about the choices you make. Nobody owes you– no matter how hard you’ve worked or even what you’ve sacrificed on that person’s behalf.
Find your bliss in the doing and the being.
