The Other Side of Giving
Tis the season. Lots and lots of folks are crowding shopping malls, surfing the net and busily crafting the perfect gifts for loved ones.
There’s so much that’s wonderful about giving.
The thoughtful and creative gift that you make or buy can be one way to show others how important they are to you. The money, food, coats and gloves that you give to non-profit organizations go a long way to help those whose very survival might depend on the generosity of strangers.
Without a doubt, giving is beautiful and spreads joy and benevolence.
And then there’s that other side of giving that doesn’t get too many accolades. That other side of giving is often associated with being selfish, indulgent or somehow less good. I’m talking about receiving.
Just as there are very positive, admirable and commendable reactions to giving, receiving gets shoved into a dark corner. It can feel like there is something to be embarrassed about or even ashamed of when you have received from another person. We’ve all heard the saying that “it’s better to give than to receive.”
Each and every one of us receives. Giving and receiving are two activities that all humans engage in– even when they don’t realize it or like to admit to it. Maybe it feels like we’re weak and selfish, that we can’t do it all ourselves or that we have to depend on others.
Of course, I am exaggerating– a little– and not everyone has a hang up with receiving.
There are certainly those times of year when those of us who are a bit uptight about receiving (ahem, like me) do so more easily. When it’s my birthday or a gift-giving holiday, for example, I receive with greater ease. It is easier when I am both a giver and a receiver– this kind of dulls some of the usual challenges of receiving.
But, what about those unexpected moments when a gift is being offered to me? That’s when troubles arise. This gift might be some physical object, a gesture or even a compliment, it doesn’t matter. That’s when I tend to close down and get uncomfortable.
The point here is that I not only short-change myself when I shy away from receiving, I also undercut the generosity of the gift, no matter what it is.
I stand in the way of some pretty amazing co-creating too.
You see, I can’t possibly be a full participant in my relationships and world if I shut down my receiving mode. This isn’t just about me pushing away a compliment or feeling squirmy when someone does something nice for me, this is about opening up to sharing with another person.
There is some serious magic that goes on when people exchange gifts. It matters less what gifts are actually given and received– whether they are expensive cars, fancy jewelry, hand-drawn portraits, back massages, sincere compliments or something else.
What makes the difference is how freely the exchange happens. It’s about the emotion and the energy that is fostered, offered and taken in during the giving and the receiving.
You’ve probably given something to another person grudgingly. Think about a mother making her child share a toy with a sibling. You’ve probably also received with resistance. Think about receiving a loan to cover some bills from a family member.
In both of these examples, there were probably a lot of messy feelings that stood in the way of the exchange of a gift (even in the form of a loan) being as significant and loving as it could be.
This kind of stilted interaction can block appreciation and closeness. It can add up to distance and disconnection too.
It’s kind of funny how it goes…
Resistance to receiving breeds stinginess.
I can’t possibly give with the kind of authentic sentiment I’d like when I have not allowed myself to fully and freely receive. When I close down to receiving on a regular basis, I start to deplete my own inner resources.
It’s as if there’s this part of me that goes into lock down because it’s not been permitted to replenish and receive. Or, if receiving is allowed, it’s a scant and strained receiving– hardly the stuff that renews.
As a result, I put myself in a kind of lack place. I might not literally be lacking in anything, but because I have put up a giant NO to fully receiving, it feels like there’s an ongoing shortage in my life. The consequence of this is that the next opportunity I have for giving, I tend to be less generous and I might possibly even withhold my gift completely.
If you’re at all like me in this way, you may have become a scroogenotbecause you’re cold and miserly, but because you don’t let yourself fully receive.
Challenge resistance to receiving and let the magic happen.
Whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of an exchange, make sure that your heart is in it. If you notice resistance, guilt, shame or resentment, step back from participating– even if it’s just for a moment. Try to get clear about what your resistance is all about. Are there things you need to say or resolve before you move forward with the giving and receiving?
Be willing to be honest and communicate what you need to the other person. If you are holding back from receiving because of particular thoughts running through your mind, question them. Do whatever you can to open yourself up to this beautiful and loving exchange that could happen, if you allow it.
Remember, each time you fully receive a gift, you enrich yourself on a very deep level. Your gratitude for whatever you receive will come from a deep and genuine place and you and the giver will both be richer as a result.
