Barging In
Over the weekend I attended a fabulous concert by the band Fitz and the Tantrums. It was a sold out show and the venue was general admission, standing room only. This means lots of people (many drunk or otherwise inebriated) crammed together enjoying the music.
We purposely arrived early to the show so that we could get a choice spot to stand. Mid-way through the concert, a woman forcefully barged in between me and another woman, shoving us both to the side.
This was annoying and distracting too. I was still able to see the show and shifted slightly over to make room, but the person I had previously been standing next to ended up losing her spot.
For sure, the behavior of the woman who barged in was rude. I was torn about how to handle the whole situation. I felt irritated because I now had even less room and I was a bit concerned because she was obviously not sober or much in control of her body flailing to the music.
At the same time, I was determined not to let the woman ruin my experience. I had been having a wonderful time at a fabulous concert and I worked to make that my focus.
There are those people in life who seem to just barge in.
With Thanksgiving coming up in a few days, you might be dreading having to spend the day with certain relatives of yours who tend to barge into your business.
It might be your great aunt who makes loudly disapproves of how you’re raising your children. It could be your grandfather who has all kinds of advice (that you didn’t ask for) about how you should be getting ahead in your career. It may be your mother who is “worried” about how you have gained– or lost– too much weight.
There’s nothing like the holidays to bring the bargers out.
Often, these people don’t mean to barge in. I’ve certainly been a barger a time or two in my life. Just ask my kids or my husband and you’ll probably hear some stories!
To label certain people as “the problem” at your holiday gathering (or any interaction you have with them) is only you going to bring more stress, strain and conflict into your life. It also sets you up to be barged in upon again.
Nonetheless, when you feel like someone has barged in with an unsolicited opinion, it is annoying and can feel oppressive. The reaction to someone else’s barging in is often resistance and defensiveness.
It’s understandable.
Nobody likes to be told that they’re “doing it wrong” or that they’ve somehow “messed up.” Nobody likes to have their personal space invaded, whether that invasion is literal or more symbolic. But, as tempting as it is to bristle or lash back at the person who just put you down or told you the way you “should” be, this only makes matters worse.
A defensive reaction will mostly inflame the moment. It takes your focus away from the possibly pleasant time you’d been having and pours it into the annoying words or actions.
Just like I didn’t want to spend my concert trading hostile words with the woman who barged in and shoved me aside, you probably don’t want to spend your time and energy arguing with your family member about why you actually ARE making the best decisions for you.
I’m not suggesting that you merely ignore the person barging into your life, because that isn’t always desirable or effective either. It can be an energy drain to pretend that you aren’t hurt or upset by what was said, so be honest. At the same time, don’t allow the barging in to hijack your experience.
Open to learning.
The big lesson here is to remember that you aren’t a victim. As annoying or cruel as someone’s barging in can seem, you don’t have to take it in or give it power. You don’t have to be passive-aggressive to “get back” at the other person and you don’t have to prove him or wrong either.
There is an opportunity for learning and growth– even in a difficult barging in kind of moment.
So, when someone says or does something that feels oppressive, critical, annoying or is otherwise unwanted, stop and ask yourself what you most need right now. Also, ask yourself what you can learn from this situation.
Your lesson might be that there is some value in what the other person is saying. Perhaps there are some changes you’d like to make about your career, your body or your parenting. This could be a signal that YOU are ready to explore making changes on your terms and in your way.
There is also the lesson of contrast. Perhaps the person barging in with advice holds very different beliefs and values in life than yours. What the other person is saying could be the impetus to help you be very clear about what you do want.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t allow your energy and attention to be sucked into a barging in kind of moment. Watch your expectations if you have a habit of preparing to be treated in a disrespectful or invasive manner by certain people or in particular situations.
Instead, try to keep your expectations open. You could even set an intention to have a particular experience with these people you are choosing to spend time with.
If you do encounter unwanted advice, criticism or some other form of “crowding,” meet it with a conscious response. Soothe yourself before you impulsively lash out. This might involve taking a deep breathe and then assertively letting the person know that you’ll ask for his or her opinion when you want it. It might mean that you offer to explain your reason for making the choices you have made– only do this if you can share information without getting defensive.
Be true to who you are…and do so without making the other person wrong. This isn’t always easy or comfortable to do, but the connection and harmony that come as a result are well worth the effort.
