No More Secrets
The secret was kept by many.
8 boys were sexually abused by Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State assistant coach over a period of approximately 14 years.
What is also upsetting about this case is that the crime was witnessed by another adult and reported to superiors– allegedly including head football coach Joe Paterno, among others who were in positions to take action.
It is incredible to imagine that this abuse was allowed to continue for so long and that Sandusky was not stopped.
There are many possible reasons why secrets were kept at Penn State…
The boys who remained silent at the time (at least one did immediately speak up to his mother about what happened) possibly did so because they were afraid or embarrassed.
Many survivors of sexual abuse– especially children– keep the horrible secret because they are literally afraid for their well-being. Others worry that they won’t be believed or that they’ll cause trouble for or within their family. They might also be confused and feel somehow to blame for the violation of their own body by an adult.
The reason why the secret was kept by members of the Penn State athletics department and administration is more difficult.
Fears about what a scandal like this could do to the school and football program’s reputation could have been a factor. It may be that turning a blind eye to the situation was more comfortable and seemed easier at the time. It may also be that each person informed of this crime assumed someone else would do the brave thing and make sure Sandusky was truly being stopped.
I can’t know why the abuse was allowed to continue or even why Sandusky violated those boys. I know there have been and will continue to be legal inquiries into these questions. Sandusky and other adults who knew what was going on will be finally held accountable for their actions.
This post is about secrets.
Dangerous secrets.
The Penn State scandal brings to to light the dangers of keeping secrets. There are all kinds of secrets that all kinds of people keep every single day. Secrets can be about abuse, domestic violence, stealing, lying and cheating.
Some secrets are obviously very serious, like the sexual abuse of children. Other secrets can seem like no big deal. They might even appear to be something that would cause more trouble than the issue is worth if the truth was known.
I get it. There are times when it’s certainly more convenient to tell a “white lie” or omit information. There are occasions when it almost seems kinder to leave out certain details to protect a loved one’s feelings or prevent someone from getting upset or angry.
What I’ve found is that honesty really is the best policy…even when it’s difficult or scary. This is the case even when you don’t know for sure if someone will feel hurt as a result.
The choice to keep a secret– and it IS a choice– usually has negative consequences.
When the secret is discovered, which often happens at some point, trust is obliterated. You can ask someone who has tried to cover up an affair about this. No matter how long ago the affair happened and regardless of how long the affair lasted, the fact that the secret was kept for so long makes the betrayal that much worse.
If you’ve ever kept a secret, you probably know how much work it can be. A distance forms between you and the people you are trying to hide information from. You withdraw into yourself, get stressed out and can become downright paranoid worrying about being found out. This can not only lead to the destruction of a relationship, it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.
Find ways to be honest that feel safe to you.
There are many reasons why people keep secrets. Some of those reasons make sense at the time– they can be a tool to survive. The child who agrees not to tell anyone about the way an adult is touching him or her may be keeping that secret because it seems to be the safest thing to do in that moment.
In other situations, we keep secrets because we worry about disappointing someone, getting in trouble or causing another person pain.
Recognize what secrets you’ve been keeping and why. Take into account those secrets you may be keeping that seem insignificant. What are the risks that you’ve been unwilling to take by telling your truth? This is important to acknowledge.
Admit to yourself what the consequences have been in your relationships, your life and maybe within your own body for continuing to keep secrets.
Are there ways you could be safe AND honest too?
The more you can honor your hesitations for speaking the truth, the more you will be able to see viable and doable options for speaking your truth.
Set an intention to be more honest in your own life.
If you’ve developed a habit of keeping secrets, notice it. If, for example, you grew up believing that it wasn’t safe for you to voice your opinion or if you were around a lot of conflict, you might withhold your truth because it seems easier. You don’t want to make the people you love upset.
Catch yourself when you’re keeping secrets– “big” ones and “small” ones too. Be clear with yourself about why your impulse is to remain quiet or change facts and look for ways to be honest and upfront about how you really feel or about what is really going on.
When you communicate your truth with words like, “I feel____,” “I want____,” “From my perspective____” or “I observe____” you can be honest and also allow room for someone else’s point of view and experience. You can keep a sense of openness in a relationship with words like these.
Make it your intention in life to be more honest. This isn’t always easy, I know. But, the rewards of living more authentically are worth it.
Comment from susie
Time November 14, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Thanks for sharing your take on this sad situation and for reminding us about how dangerous it can be to keep secrets!