Grateful…Even for the Tough Stuff
When I log into my Facebook page this time of year, I am especially inspired by my friends who post the things in their lives for which they are grateful. Many people declare their gratitude for their precious family and friends. Others share that they are grateful for a sunny day.
In a moment of calm, those aspects of our lives that make us feel so abundant, loved, cared for and happy are prominent and easy to see. It is such a powerful practice to shine a light of awareness on those people and things in our lives for which we are grateful.
What tends to happen when we voice our gratitude is our relationships and the conditions of our lives become richer and more abundant. These effects can occur even if we feel that gratitude privately and don’t post it to a Facebook wall or say it aloud.
But, what about those times when it’s not so easy to feel grateful for particular people and what’s going on? Is it even possible to genuinely feel gratitude when you are in the middle of a difficult situation? When there are hurt feelings and adversity seems to rule, is there room for gratitude too?
I whole-heartedly believe that there IS room and it IS possible to feel grateful even in the midst of tough stuff.
Not only do I believe that it is possible to authentically cultivate gratitude in a stressful moment, it is essential if what you want is to get unstuck and find some ease and improvement.
Gratitude absolutely cannot be forced.
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably been in a situation where you received a gift from someone that was not what you wanted. Think about the garish, striped sweater your great aunt knit for you and then expected you to model for the whole family. The smile you upon your face and the thanks that utter from your lips may be forced and not very genuine.
As I recommend to you that you find ways to be grateful for even the tough (people and) stuff in your life, I’m not talking about playing pretend.
Acknowledge where you are.
It’s entirely ineffective for you to deny your irritation, sadness, grief, anger or fury when that’s how you feel. It’s how you feel. It’s also not going to help matters for you to spend a lot of time and energy justifying how you feel and why you can’t possibly be grateful for ANYTHING about _______.
Start where you are.
Denial and justification will only keep you rooted where you are and I’m guessing you’d like to experience some improvement. So, acknowledge it.
Stop yourself if you start to label how you are feeling, the person who seems to be “causing” your angst or the unwanted situation anything other than what it literally is. Avoid “good,” “bad,” “right” and “wrong.” Name calling is only going to make things worse.
Try to stick with observations about how you feel and actual actions that have been taken.
For example, let’s say I am struggling to get my teenage son out of bed on a school day morning. There is a whole gamut of feelings and thoughts that run through my mind when he refuses to leave the comfort of his bed and get ready for the day.
I feel irritated, angry, helpless to “make” him do what I want and fearful that he’ll “never” be responsible enough on his own. I think about what I could be doing and how relaxed my morning would be if only he wasn’t being SO darn difficult!
This is real and it’s where I am in the moment…and there’s not a speck of gratitude in there either.
Slapping a smile on my face is just not going to happen. At the same time, amping up the irritation by yelling at him doesn’t help the situation either.
Perhaps the most valuable thing I can do for myself (and my son) is to remember to breathe. I can acknowledge that I am feeling how I am feeling AND I can stop projecting fearfully into the future. I can do my best not to label my son, myself or the tough moment I’m in.
I can be observant about what he is doing, what getting him to school on time requires and what I need to get done during this time as well.
So, where does the gratitude come in?
Invite yourself to genuinely appreciate.
In this example of my anger about my son “refusing” to get up, there is the potential for gratitude– genuine gratitude.
Even in a situation like this, I can be deliberate about what I am thinking. I can create an environment within myself that is conducive to feeling grateful and I can do this without denying what’s going on or pretending that I’m not irritated.
In that tough moment, I can invite myself to look for one thing I can be grateful for. It doesn’t even have to be about my son. It could be about the pleasing softness of my bathrobe on my skin. It could be about the beauty of the sun peeking through the blinds.
I can’t find gratitude when I am fixated on how I fear he will be in years to come. I can’t find gratitude when I tell myself how lazy or disrespectful he is for refusing to get out of bed.
I can dig deep and, with intention, find genuine gratitude for the time that I am sharing with my son right now. It might not be the most pleasant moment he and I have ever shared, but it is precious time together. I can actually cultivate a sense of gratitude for my son even as I make a decision about what I will do next– which may involve him facing the consequences of being late to school, for instance.
Keep on looking up at the glorious sun in the sky and continue to gaze into the eyes of your smiling loved ones and feel gratitude. This is so important and valuable.
At the same time, when you’re in the middle of dark and difficult moment, invite yourself to open up to genuine gratitude for the person or situation that’s troubling you.
Let that gratitude in as well. Watch and notice what happens when you do.
