Boo!
What scares you?
Plenty of people love to be scared. They watch horror films and, especially this time of year, they seek out haunted houses and delight in being frightened by ghosts, ghouls and zombies.
It’s all fun…when it’s all fun.
Of course, I’m talking about that kind of fear that makes you jump and possibly even scream when you’re not actually in danger. It’s all pretend or it’s fiction you’re reading or watching on a movie screen.
There is that other kind of fear too. This second kind of fear is triggered by past (or current) events when you actually did believe that your safety was somehow in jeopardy. This not very fun kind of fear can also come from beliefs that are strong and intense. Even if you are not actually in danger, it feels as if you are.
While many people choose to feel the fear that comes from visiting haunted houses and watching slasher movies, very few people intentionally focus their attention on that other kind of fear.
Who among us regularly, or ever, seeks out situations, thoughts and experiences that scare us?
I certainly don’t. After all, to truly feel afraid is– well, scary. It honestly doesn’t matter if the fear is rooted in what’s actually going on in a person’s life or if it’s mostly imagined, the effects are the same.
Fear causes the body’s adrenaline to ramp up, the heart to race, stomach to clench, palms to get sweaty or clammy and more. It’s difficult to think clearly or to think at all. Most of us go into a sort of survival mode when we feel afraid.
The impulse for sheer survival makes sense and can certainly serve a person…in appropriate situations.
If, for example, you are in a burning building or a tornado is coming your way, your survival mechanisms can lead you to safety. Your snap reaction to grab your kids and get out of the burning building or to a basement with no windows can mean the difference between life and death.
But, dire situations like this aren’t the only times we go into survival mode because our fear has been triggered.
If you believe that your child is not safe walking home from the school bus and she is 10 minutes late and hasn’t walked in the door yet, your fear reaction may be to panic, get in your car to search the neighborhood or even to call the police.
If you believe that a particular person is out to take your partner away from you and you see that he is talking with that very person who seems, to you, to be a threat to your relationship, your fear reaction might be to physically drag your partner away from the other person or possibly to confront the two of them and make accusations that you have no reliable proof to support.
In both of these examples, there is a possibility that your fears are right on target. Unfortunately, children are sometimes abducted on their way home from the school bus and affairs do happen and break up relationships.
At the same time, there are also many, many children who travel to and from school safely and are unharmed and plenty of couples who have close relationships with no infidelity.
Explore your fears.
When you notice that you are having a fear reaction, the first thing to do is to remember to breathe. Unless you are truly in a life-threatening situation, don’t say or do anything and take 5 (or more) slow and deep breaths.
While continuing to breathe slowly and deeply, ask yourself what your fear reaction is about. Try to sort out what is going now from what you are thinking about that could have happened in the past.
Often, intense fears are rooted in past experiences that were painful or traumatic. This doesn’t mean that these past-oriented fears should merely be swept aside or denied, however. As you probably already know, attempting to pretend that you aren’t afraid doesn’t always work and it isn’t always healthy either.
Abuse of many kinds can usually be traced back to a person’s efforts to tamp down fears or past memories and other uncomfortable emotions. Know that you are courageous enough to explore what it is that scares you.
Be willing to “go there” and unwilling to get stuck there.
When a situation, a person or a thought jumps out at you and says, “Boo!” and you notice that you’re having a fear reaction and that you are not in literal danger, you can calm yourself down and explore what is beneath the reaction. You can be willing to “go there” and figure out what past experience or belief is actually bringing up these feelings and sensations in your body.
You might find it helpful to talk with a counselor or coach about your fears. You could also write in a journal about what’s scaring you.
The intention is to look your fears square in the eye. Don’t make them right or wrong. Don’t try to justify why you have the fears or put yourself down for the way you feel. Get curious and look at exactly what is scaring you in this moment.
And, here’s the sort of tricky part…
While it’s rarely easy to really look at what is scaring you, it is somewhat easy to get stuck in that scary memory or thought. I encourage you to find out what is beneath your fear reaction AND to ask yourself what you need to support your healing and ability to release the fear.
Challenge yourself to keep uncovering what scares you AND to soothe yourself so you can let it go.
This might mean that you question your old beliefs that simply aren’t true or that don’t fit your current experience. This may involve making peace with traumas of the past and remembering that your life is very different now.
Keep growing and freeing yourself for the fearless kind of life you truly want.
