Starting with the Woman in the Mirror
I recently read about one woman’s challenge to not look at herself in a mirror for a full year. Kjerstin Gruys, a sociologist, wants women to re-think body image and to question portrayals of women’s beauty in the media.
What made this challenge even more daunting is that Gruys planned and prepared for her own wedding during this year of no mirrors. Gruys and her fiance were married recently, by the way.
While I applaud the statement that Gruys is making with her year of no mirrors, I have to wonder…
Is the mirror really the problem after all?
Yes, nearly impossible images of women’s bodies and beauty dominate billboards, magazine covers, television and movies. Yes, these messages of what is beautiful, valuable and successful do have an effect. They cut out a painful and small “standard” which includes race, class, ethnicity and sexuality as well as gender dimensions.
Yet, I still wonder if the mirror is really the problem after all? If there were no mirrors in my house would I still find ways to feel inferior or less than beautiful/successful/valuable as a woman?
Probably so…if that’s what I already believe. The flaws that each of us– woman or man– think we have will be what we see whether we are looking in a mirror, looking down at our feet or even looking at the people we care about.
It’s somewhat of a chicken and an egg dynamic.
The dominant images interplay with thoughts that one is inferior, ugly or somehow wrong. We could debate for hours and still not find the “real” culprit here. And, because I don’t have the influence to change those dominant media portrayals of beauty and what it is to be a woman, I choose to focus on what I DO have the power to change.
It’s all about view-point.
My view, your view, everyone’s view directly links up with an individual set of beliefs. These beliefs are certainly influenced by the messages that we are frequently exposed to AND we can make choices about what we do, think and how we are.
Each of us can start with the woman (or man) in the mirror and change view-point.
This isn’t only about boosting self esteem, feeling beautiful and all of that seemingly “selfish” stuff either. What tends to happen is that when we habitually see ourselves with a nit-picking, critical view-point, we see everyone else in that way too.
When I am steeped in negativity about myself, guess what I see in others?
I tend to treat those around me with the same degree of nit-picking, criticism and judgment. Even if I play a comparison game in which I lose, the focus is ultimately on a search for flaws– both in myself and in others.
Start with you.
So, here’s the deal…
If you want closer, more harmonious relationships, if you’d like to be treated with respect and kindness, if you want to feel beautiful and valuable and worthy, it all starts with you. Pay attention to the thoughts you have on a regular basis.
I guarantee that if you tend to be insecure or have low self esteem, your thoughts are probably focused on finding flaws (or what you deem to be flaws or weaknesses) the majority of the time. I also bet that this critical habit extends out to others in your life, especially those you love dearly.
Notice your flaw-focused thoughts and challenge yourself to interrupt them.
In an authentic way, invite yourself to be less flaw-focused and more appreciative. Shift your view-point to acknowledge that, amid the “weaknesses” in yourself and others, there are also some strengths, beautiful aspects and things to appreciate.
Probably far more than you previously realized.
This can take practice, but the effects are amazingly powerful.
I remember a toy called the “Magic Slate” that I had as a kid. Using a plastic stylus on a conglomeration of plastic and cardboard, I’d sketch a design or attempt to draw a picture of my cat. Then, when I was ready to do something else, I’d lift the plastic sheet and my picture would be erased leaving me with a blank slate for my next work of art.
Pretty cool toy!
I can do the same thing with my view-point. I can remind myself that what I am seeing in another person, or myself, is akin to the Magic Slate. When I notice that I am flaw-focused, I can lift the plastic sheet (my thoughts) and give myself– and the person I am being critical of– a blank slate of possibility.
A shift like this can’t happen if mindlessly flaw-focused thoughts and beliefs are left unacknowledged and unquestioned.
Catch yourself as you hone in on the unattractive mole on your friend’s face or the way that your partner forgot to take out the trash (again). Catch yourself as you berate your failure to speak up at the meeting or your hair as it flips up or lies flat against your head.
Catch yourself in a kind way and open up to a different view-point, one that addresses desired changes in behavior or habit and also one that is more accepting and appreciative.
If you choose, take an intentional look at your reflection in the mirror and keep looking until you find the wondrous being that is you. Your next challenge could be to look for the wondrousness in others.
