An Unconditional Life
The word “unconditional” is thrown around quite a bit. It is often assumed that parents love their children unconditionally. Lovers are expected to love one another unconditionally. To boost self esteem, a person is encouraged to accept him or herself unconditionally.
I don’t know about you, but truly accepting or even loving unconditionally is not as easy as it sounds.
If any of us are completely honest with ourselves, we’d probably discover that there’s not a whole lot of unconditional loving or accepting going on.
Your child might say or do something that you find embarrassing.
Some of your partner’s habits may cause you to recoil.
Your own pouchy belly, socioeconomic status or tendency to overreact in certain situations might be a source of shame for you.
Unconditional acceptance and love seem impossible to actually live out. Very few, if any, people literally do this. Many of us carry around weighty guilt because we aren’t loving or accepting unconditionally– and we believe that we should.
Just because it’s a rarity for any of us to truly be unconditional, it doesn’t mean that we don’t absolutely treasure and deeply love our children, partner, parents, siblings, friends and others. And, it doesn’t mean that we don’t love our own selves in healthy ways.
We can and we do.
Where the battles in our relationships and within our own selves arise, however, are when we base our happiness, satisfaction and ability to connect on particular conditions.
This happens when, for example, you unconsciously withhold approval for your child until she learns how to be grateful and respectful.
It also occurs when you promise yourself that you’ll open up to your partner after he opens up to you first.
And, it comes up when you vow that you’ll finally be happy once you get the promotion, lose the weight, stop smoking, or whatever hurdle you wish to clear.
So many of us live very restrictive and conditional sorts of lives. Not only does this make for a lot of disappointment, it can have detrimental effects on our relationships, ability to reach our goals and feel good about who we are.
If living UNconditionally is nearly impossible 100% of the time, maybe it’s because we’ve got an impossible understanding of what that can mean.
You see, loving and accepting a situation, another person or yourself unconditionally doesn’t have to mean that you are in complete agreement with absolutely everything. It also doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to make changes. We all have preferences and the desire to grow is natural and beneficial.
The big difference is between limiting your willingness to be open, loving and accepting AND not putting limits or conditions on yourself and your love.
The magic of living an unconditional kind of life is that no matter what is going on, no matter who you are with and regardless of what has been said or done, YOU get to choose to live as satisfied and joyful as you want to be.
If you’re ready to explore new, unconditional, ways to be, ask yourself these questions…
“What can I appreciate about this person, this moment, right now?”
Unconditional living isn’t always easy. If someone says something rude or insensitive to you, it hurts. To live unconditionally doesn’t mean that you let yourself be walked on or that you pretend that you don’t have sad or angry emotions.
Acknowledge what is true for you; then, invite yourself to appreciate the person or situation. Alongside irritation, you can genuinely appreciate the learning you are getting from whatever is going on.
It comes down this this: What any of us have is this moment, right here and right now. That’s it– and it’s actually pretty huge!
We can hope that the next moment will be different/better and we can wish that we were someplace or somebody else. Wishing and hoping isn’t going to bring us the kind of experience we desire. Making an internal shift can.
Again, this isn’t necessarily easy and it does NOT mean that it’s okay to be mistreated or abused.
Remember your power to choose how you will respond and what your priorities are. Your priorities might be respecting yourself, making decisions that are in alignment with what is most important to you AND finding something to appreciate about all situations.
“What can I do to enjoy and value this person, this moment, more fully right now?”
There’s a wonderful quote from teacher Byron Katie in which she points out that it takes two people to make a war.
When there’s conflict and tension with someone in your life, find the courage to look at the ways that you help keep the war going. Ask yourself what you could do differently that might bring ease.
This is a vital piece of living unconditionally.
That something different might be to stop arguing, set a firm boundary and then follow through. Or, that something different might be to drop your own defensiveness and need to be right and really try to understand things from the other person’s perspective.
You can also stop the war you might be waging with your own self. Return to the you who knows your value, your beauty, your talent, your inherent worthiness and start living in ways that affirm that knowing.
It’s another invitation to do something different that might involve changing a habit or practicing new ways of being…it does not, however, mean that you don’t respect, love or accept yourself until AFTER the change has happened or taken hold.
Instead, in that moment, be real AND encourage yourself to live as satisfied and happy with the you who you are right now, no matter what changes (or doesn’t change) in the future.
THIS is living unconditionally and this way of living unconditionally IS possible.
