Empowerment Done Right
Okay, okay, I’ll admit it…
There is not one way to be empowered. There are countless ways.
There really aren’t “right” and “wrong” ways to be empowered either.
But…
There are many, many ways that a lot of us spend our precious time and energy that are flat out dis-empowering and we don’t often realize it.
I’ve been listening to a fabulous collection of audios by Buddhist nun Pema Chodron*. If you are turned off by either (or both) the words “Buddhist” or “nun,” give this a listen anyway. Chodron’s teachings are accessible, easily relatable and for anyone regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs.
Among other valuable lessons, Chodron urges listeners to stop “empowering” our addictions and limiting beliefs.
This idea stopped me in my tracks and really made me think.
I generally associate empowerment with positive, affirming actions. When I say the word “empowerment” to myself, an image of a strong, larger than life and victorious person pops into my head. Perhaps she’s standing on a mountain with her arms spread out to the sky, ready to succeed at anything.
It is often more subtle and less epic-looking in real life. True empowerment is, nonetheless, epic in its effects on a person’s sense of self worth and ability to have, be and do what he or she desires.
For example, I can empower myself to speak up instead of remaining silent. I can empower myself by taking a wise risk, even if it’s uncomfortable. I can empower myself by practicing new and healthier ways of living.
Chodron indicates that when we feed and nurture limiting habits and addictions, we are empowering those behaviors that simply aren’t in our best interests. We act as if it’s the object of our addiction or obsession that is doing the choosing and that is controlling us.
It can definitely feel that way.
The clear-thinking mind knows that this is not true. The day-to-day, on autopilot mind tends to believe in this backward kind of empowerment (which is actually not empowerment at all).
We essentially– and voluntarily– give over personal power to the food, the alcohol, the work project, the perception of what we believe others are thinking about us and more.
I will say that if there’s a “wrong” way to do empowerment, this is it. It’s no surprise that so many of us feel helpless, worn out and drained the majority of the time as go about empowerment all backwards.
Notice what you are empowering in your life.
The key here is to get a clear view of what you tend to do. Where is your focus? If you are giving over your power, what is it to? If it seems that you are giving over your power to a particular person, acknowledge that and uncover your beliefs that allow this to continue.
This is all about noticing with as little judgment, criticism and blame as possible.
When you realize that you’re empowering some thing or person outside of yourself, dig deeper. Get curious. This can be painful and all kinds of knee-jerk reactions can surface as you do this digging.
Merely getting curious can seem impossible, so keep remembering the big intention…
To truly empower yourself.
Take back your power.
The next obvious step is to take back your power. This always happens on a moment-by-moment basis and it starts when you remember that you have choice and you then begin to make choices that are in your best interests.
If you abuse or are addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, drama, work or anything at all, remind yourself to make choices about whether or not to engage in that behavior, one decision at a time.
As you raise the bottle of beer, the pill or the cookie to your mouth and before you turn on your computer or ignore the calls from your partner asking when you’re coming home from work, take a slow, deep breath and make a conscious choice in this present moment.
Empower yourself and not the habitual behavior.
When you get all caught up in how ashamed you may be of what you did last weekend, last night, yesterday or even years ago, it blocks you from making conscious choices in the here and now. When you offer yourself long lists of rationales and reasons why you can’t possibly change, being truly empowered is not going to happen.
Support yourself in this endeavor.
Meditation is an effective tool to use on many levels. A regular meditation practice in which you lightly concentrate on your breathing can give you clarity and presence to make those moment-by-moment choices.
Inner exploration is another useful tool. Writing in a journal or meeting with a counselor, therapist or coach can help you make connections between past experiences and your ingrained thoughts and beliefs that are most likely contributing to addictive or limiting habits.
True empowerment might not feel victorious or even pleasant and comfortable, but its effects are worth the practice, patience and persistence required.
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*Getting Unstuck: Breaking Your Habitual Patterns & Encountering Naked Reality by Pema Chodron.
