Re-Thinking Sacrifice
“Sacrifice” is a heavy-duty concept. It is laden with so many connotations that I even hesitate to highlight it in this way.
It is often associated with the Christian Easter story in which Jesus sacrificed himself for the good of humankind. Over the past several weeks, many people have made sacrifices in the form of giving up something that is dear to them to participate in Lent.
No matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, it’s probable that you’ve encountered a sense of sacrifice at some point.
As a mom, there have been many, many times when I have felt like I’ve given up certain things or experiences so that my sons could be supported or have particular experiences.
This can take the form of giving up a good night’s sleep when one son is sick, even though I’m also exhausted and not feeling well. It can be letting the two of them split the last piece of cake, even though it’s something I enjoy too. It can be setting aside a book I’m reading to help with schoolwork.
These were all choices, of course. (And, by the way, I don’t always give up my share of the cake.)
Sacrifice happens all of the time. You don’t have to be a parent to have faced the decision to pass on something you really like or something you’re enjoying so that someone else’s needs might be met.
The tricky thing about sacrifice is its underbelly. There can be a feeling of resentment that comes with giving up something important to me so that another can have it (or something different). There can also be a feeling of guilt for being resentful– after all, these are my children!
There can be a sense that I am some kind of martyr as I frequently give up what I want, what feeds my soul, in deference to my kids. There can be a belief that unconsidered sacrifice is just what a person does in order to be “good.”
This underbelly is what absolutely robs the givingness from giving.
If you’ve ever been reminded by someone else of how much he or she sacrificed for your well-being, the weight of the guilt that goes along with it can feel immense. You might have wished that the person did NOT make the sacrifice he or she did– not because you don’t appreciate the actual act, but because the now-apparent resentment and guilt undercut the generosity of that moment in time.
If you’ve ever reminded another person, your children or perhaps someone else, of ALL that you gave up for him or her, you not only dampened your gift to the other person, you also robbed yourself of the potential beauty of giving.
Sacrifice can be experienced as a deliberate choice.
Conscious decision-making is key when it comes to giving something up. No matter how much I believe I “should” make a sacrifice, if it is not deliberately chosen, that underbelly will most certainly rise up and dominate.
What this means is that I invite myself not to merely react when it comes to giving something up. Just because my children “need” me, I try not to automatically drop everything and run to them– either literally or symbolically. (Yes, this has become slightly easier over time and as they get older.)
In your own life, invite yourself to pause before you leap. In an urgent situation it can be more challenging to do. But, the point here is to feel into yourself before you give up anything for anybody.
I’m not advising you to be stingy or self-centered. In fact, you can be MORE giving when you are doing so with a sense of choice instead of obligation. This might not be the most comfortable practice– it might not even seem socially acceptable– but making conscious decisions when making sacrifices will benefit all involved.
Giving up can create room for expansion.
Sacrifice and giving up can be re-considered as a way to play with letting go. I don’t know about you, but the feeling I get when I say the words “sacrifice” or “giving up” is far different than when I say “letting go.”
For me, there is a certain ease and freedom that occurs when I let go of a habit or a thing that I have decided is not for me at this time. When I let go of my attachment to eating that last piece of cake or I let go of my belief that I will “never” get a good night’s sleep, I am somehow freer.
This is somewhat of a semantics game, but it’s worth considering. It’s likely that if you consider an action a “sacrifice,” you’re not completely on board with what you’re about to do or what you’ve done.
The benefits of playing this semantics game are that you might not be willing to never give up anything for anyone again. Why not find a way to give without feeling resentful about it? You may have already experienced the rewards that can come with an act of giving that happens 100% willingly and from the heart. Wouldn’t it be great to reap those rewards more often?
What I have found is this… there is more room for expansion and for different experiences that I may never have had if I’d not made the “sacrifice” and let go. The expansion that comes with letting go usually opens me up to new ways of living and being.
This is pretty powerful stuff.
But, I simply cannot access that expansion when I am all caught up in the underbelly of resentment, guilt and martyrdom.
Use the words that resonate the most for you. Whatever you call your acts of giving, make sure you choose your actions deliberately and that they come from the heart.
