The Importance of “Going There”
“Don’t mention the war.”
This caution– quoted from a particularly funny episode* of the British comedy series “Fawlty Towers”– has been periodically used by my family since I was a kid.
When one of us uttered the words, “Don’t mention the war,” it meant that a particular topic was sensitive or touchy for someone. That subject of conversation was better left unmentioned.
In other words… don’t “go there.”
This tradition continues today and I’m sure it’s not just my family that does this. How many times have any of us intentionally NOT brought up politics or religion around a certain family member or friend because it’s clear that the topic will only lead to a pointless debate where nobody really listens?
There are times when it’s wise not to “go there.”
As in the example just offered, if you’ve already hashed out the points of an argument with a person, it’s clear that neither of you is going to be swayed and the debating only seems to bring more disconnection to your relationship, it might not be in anybody’s best interest to keep talking about that topic.
There are other times, however, when we choose not to “go there” and the choice to avoid or deny the disagreement is what makes the relationship strained and distant. This might be an issue that you and a loved one tip toe around over and over again because you both are worried about what will happen if you actually talk about it.
The result is generally confusion, hurt feelings and plenty of mistaken assumptions that only make things worse. In these situations, to be honest and open and really communicate about a difficult topic can be the point where you and your loved one re-connect and strengthen your bond.
Much of this depends on how that difficult topic is handled, of course. The willingness for both people to really listen and communicate what they truly believe makes a significant difference.
There are also times when we don’t “go there” within our own selves.
It’s never comfortable for me to bump up against an expectation, a thought or a motivation of my own that is downright ugly. Sometimes particular thoughts, words or actions– that come from me– are embarrassing, painful or hypocritical.
When I become aware of this within my own self, my first reaction is often to back away quickly.
The last thing I want to admit to or focus on is a prejudiced or cruel thought or a traumatic memory. In those brief moments of realization, my first impulse is to symbolically run away and never look at THAT again.
I most certainly don’t want to “go there.”
What I am trying so hard to pretend is not there constitutes a form of war. This could be a war of differing ideas for how to live or what’s right that’s going on under the surface between myself and another person. It might also be a war of conflicting inclinations, values and priorities within my own self.
War is what I attempt– in vain– to avoid when I choose not to “go there.” The irony is that war is what I usually intensify when I don’t “go there.”
Not “going there” means more pain.
Whether my stubborn refusal to admit to and engage with some symbolic war is with another person or happens inside of me, there is no peace in continuing this denial. There is almost always increased tension, discomfort and pain as long as the topic looms unaddressed.
Does this mean that every single difference of opinion you have with another person needs to be brought up and debated until one of your surrenders? Absolutely not.
If you truly want more peace in your life, you probably already know that it’s got to start with you. This means that you explore your own firm and fixed position on the taboo topic before you embark on a conversation about it with anyone else.
You essentially find the courage to move closer to that which annoys and repulses you within your own self around the contentious issue. You get to know why this issue brings up such strong emotions and reactions for you.
This is not an easy practice but it is one that brings ease.
“Going there” is a path to understanding, acceptance and love.
Once you “go there” within yourself, there is almost always softening. What was once seemed so dire and terrible, is now more manageable and makes sense.
You can actually hear what another person– or some shoved down aspect of you– has to say. You can also more easily listen with a desire to better understand and maybe even accept.
Even if you don’t make a big change, convince someone else the validity of your position or find your own position swayed, when you “go there” in this way, you can make choices that allow you to stay connected and to act with love.
——————————————————————————————
*If you want to have a good laugh, check out the episode titled “The Germans” from the British comedy series, “Fawlty Towers.”
Pingback from Question Your Core Beliefs and Live a Happier, Freer Life- Personal Growth Tips and Advice
Time March 25, 2011 at 8:37 pm
[...] or painful– I don’t think that many people do. Even as I tout the benefits of “going there,” I prefer to keep myself trained on the positives as much as possible and build from [...]