The Good, the Bad and the …
Let’s face it. Judgments of any kind have the potential to quickly turn ugly.
Most of us were raised to believe that certain behaviors, actions, ways of living and even people are good while others are bad. The stuff of morals and ethics is based on a clear differentiation between good and bad.
There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this.
Each one of us makes judgments all of the time. These are the day-to-day decisions about what we prefer and what we don’t prefer. It’s natural, normal and part of the business of being an expansive human being that leads us to know what is and is not okay for each person.
Where troubles arise, however, is in the way that we go about making judgments and what we do after having made them. It is when we forget that we are making judgments and clarifying preferences for what we– as individuals– prefer is when conflict and division happen.
Asserting that stealing, violence or lying, for example, are “bad” is not necessarily harmful or limiting. In fact, families, communities and nations can function more effectively if there is clear communication about what is acceptable and what is not.
The decision-making about whose definition of what’s good and what’s bad can be tricky. Here, I’m referring mostly to the kind of judgments that we each make every single day. These have less to do with state or national laws and more to do with our personal “laws,” those strictures we often expect others to abide by.
Knowing what you prefer and how you want to live your life is fabulous. What’s not so fabulous is when judgments are rigid, fixed and become much like a line in the sand. “Are you with me or against me?”
We all do this all of the time…even if we don’t like to admit to it.
This plays out when it comes to people’s politics, religious beliefs, parenting choices, sexuality, lifestyle choices, clothing or hair style and much, much more. There’s no limit to the judgments that are routinely made that revolve around someone’s personal “laws” being imposed onto others.
As a result, families of origin become estranged. Friendships are broken, lovers stop making love, neighbors feud and– in worst case scenarios– people kill one another.
It’s all in the name of judgments, whether or not that’s the name that’s used.
There are also the insidious inwardly-directed judgments. These reflect that inner conflict that many of us encounter from time to time (or more frequently). We sometimes declare war on our own selves for the choices we’ve made and inclinations we have that somehow don’t jibe with the personal “laws” we are also holding so tightly.
How are you wielding your judgments?
Perhaps you don’t consider yourself judgmental. This is probably not true in a literal sense. As I said, every single one of us makes judgments about what we do and don’t prefer.
What you might take a closer look at is how you are wielding the judgments that you make. When you feel yourself intensely maintaining that something is good or bad, explore those assertions more deeply.
Are you somehow using this judgment as a way to feel superior to another person or to rationalize some behavior about which, deep down inside, you feel uncertain? Does your judgment help you feel less threatened or safe in the face of uncomfortable difference?
If so, gather your courage and acknowledge it. This is really helpful information to know.
As words of judgment come out of your mouth or form a presence in your mind, get curious about your motivations and how– either overtly or subtly– you are using your personal “laws.”
How are your rigid judgments holding you back?
Not only do fixed good/bad judgments usually drive others away and bring discord and division to any relationship or situation, they are also frequently painful and inwardly divisive to the one doing the judging.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I remember watching with horror as another mother at my older child’s preschool fed her toddler a Pop-Tart. Even now, over a decade later, I can still feel the scorn and disdain that– in my mind– I poured on the other mother at the time.
The irony is, after my second was born and I made the challenging adjustment to caring for two young children, my personal “law” against feeding a toddler Pop-Tarts (or anything else that I considered to be “junk food”) was seriously tested. I found myself making different parenting choices than I had before– many of which placed me in that “disdainful” category with the preschool mom I previously judged.
Setting aside the whole question of whether or not Pop-Tarts are healthy for toddlers (or for anyone actually)…I can now see that my judgment that this other mother was somehow “bad” because she chose to feed her child a food that I deemed to be “bad” prevented me from making a connection.
This woman could have been a wonderful friend to me. I could have learned much from her and perhaps she could have learned a few things from me. As moms to young children, we could have been a source of support and camaraderie for one another.
My judgment was one big thing that stood in the way.
Even if you don’t want to be friends with a particular person, you still may be holding yourself back with your judgments.
How many times have you found yourself all wrapped up in how good or bad another person (or his or her choices) are only to realize that you’ve missed an awful lot of life in the meantime? The ranting and raving may provide an immediate kind of high, but is this really how you want to spend your time in this life?
Is judging anyone else rigidly good or bad truly what you want for your experience? Is judging your habits and self rigidly good or bad going to help you improve and expand?
Judgments can be a tricky terrain. They just happen and they don’t have to be destructive. Our judgments can be a way that each of us more clearly focuses our own lives in ways that we choose.
