Romance Me!
I don’t think I know a single person who is ambivalent about Valentine’s Day.
When I hear people talk (and I’m sure there are exceptions), there is generally aversion or excitement to February 14th. There’s rarely anything in between.
Some look forward to passionate celebrating with the one they love.
Others scowl and rant about how this is yet another Hallmark-created holiday.
Yet others grimace at this reminder of how alone or heart broken they feel.
I tend to be a romantic kind of person and so I fall into the “looking forward to it” category. However, like many people, Valentine’s Day is fraught with traps and turmoil for me too.
I am particular– some might say picky– yet I want to be surprised. I want to be swept off my feet, but also to independently do things for myself. This helps to make Valentine’s Day all the more challenging for both me and my partner.
How can you please that set of contradictions?
Unfortunately, a lot of couples find Valentine’s Day difficult for similar reasons. There can be a lot of expectations (on both sides of the relationship) and quite a bit of confusion about what the other person really wants. All of this can add up to disappointment and distance instead of the closeness and love that the occasion is supposed to bring.
No matter how you feel about Valentine’s Day, you might grapple with some of these same difficulties. You (or your partner) might want to be romanced and you just aren’t sure how to make that happen in a way that feels authentic and not forced and that is also satisfying.
What’s at the root of romance for you?
I have found it useful to back up and do some inner listening when I become stirred up about Valentine’s Day and romance. I set aside my worries about what I should ask for, if I should ask for anything, etc. etc. and instead, try to get to what’s at the root of my romantic longings.
Is it a need to feel special and adored? Is it a need for engaged one-on-one time with my partner? Is it a desire for variety in how we express our love for one another?
Often, it’s a combination of all of these things and more. The value in listening for what’s behind the desire to be “swept off my feet,” “surprised” or whatever I am craving is that I get to what’s most important to me.
Anyone can give candy, flowers or expensive jewelry and anyone can be given these things. If there’s no feeling, heart and connection involved in the potentially romantic moment, there is bound to be disappointment and resentment– on both sides.
How can you meet that need for yourself?
When I better understand the needs and desires that are at the root of my yearning for romance, I can more easily know what to do for myself. Yes, it’s fabulous when my partner presents me with a bouquet of flowers and I’m not expecting it. It melts my heart when he makes a card and fills it with sweet, loving words.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a wonderful feeling when someone you love says, does or gives you something that expresses his or her feelings for you.
The key question is this…
Are you full enough to completely receive it?
This is why it’s so essential for any of us who long for romance to identify what that really means. The next step is to make sure we are each giving ourselves what we need and desire. Whether it’s adoration, appreciation, attention, special care or just plain love, we can give any of these to ourselves.
In fact, to really receive an expression of love and romance from a partner, it’s a requirement that we fill our own needs as best as we can first.
If you’re looking to your partner to make you feel something that you can’t offer your own self, his or her efforts will probably fail. It’s just about impossible to shower someone with love when that person doesn’t feel worthy enough to love him or herself first. It’s a huge burden and pressure on another to make him or her responsible for how you feel.
Take the time to cultivate the love for yourself that you’re craving. When you identify a need for appreciation, take a moment and appreciate yourself. When you want attention, give it to yourself.
Fill your own self first and then you will be able to open up to what your partner and your life are offering you.
Ultimately, any of us can more freely and fully enjoy Valentine’s Day– or any moment– if we take responsibility for filling ourselves with what we most need. From that point, whatever gifts, gestures or spoken words are given and received can be treasured for what they are…not what they “could be” or “aren’t enough of.”
Free yourself up for the romance, love and connection that you want this Valentine’s Day by first romancing yourself.
