A Storm of Stories
During my high school and undergraduate years, I remember looking forward to being a full-fledged adult. Part of the allure of getting older was the promise of no longer caring about what others think of me.
Now that I am most certainly a “full-fledged” adult, I am a bit disappointed to see that this desire for acceptance and approval has not magically evaporated. It’s still there even if it takes different forms and is mellower (at times).
I’ve heard plenty of people claim that a benefit of growing older is that you don’t care what anyone else thinks about you anymore. Unfortunately, I have not found that to be true in my experience.
In the twists and turns of my own perceptions, some of the time I care quite a lot about what others think about me. This is NOT a beneficial habit and it’s most definitely one that I am working to release.
The real kicker of this habit is that it’s just about 99% a concoction. It’s my own self-created stories that lead me to conclude that this person likes me and that person doesn’t or that I’m not cool enough for one person but am acceptable to another.
There can be a veritable storm of stories blowing through my mind and wreaking havoc.
What are your stories?
Teacher Byron Katie talks a lot about stories. To condense down her powerful work, Katie refers to the truths we have created and the way we perceive ourselves, others and our lives as stories.
The claim that “certain people like me and others don’t” is all a story. Whatever it is that I believe another person thinks about me at any time is just a story. In fact, “I don’t care about what others think of me” or that “I do care what others think of me” is also a story.
Sometimes there is tangible evidence to support my story, but much of the time there is little or no evidence for what I am basing my self-perception, self-esteem and responses on.
A whole lot of us walk around talking and acting and making decisions about our relationships and lives because of these stories we tell ourselves that, quite often, are just not true.
When it comes down to it, just about every one of us wants to be loved and accepted. There might be different parameters and indicators of that love and acceptance, but a similar desire is there. Part of the reason why we create stories is to get more of what we want. Other times, we hold ourselves back from what we truly want using our stories as kind of an excuse.
The key here is to recognize that you are telling yourself a story in the first place. The storm of stories that rushes through your– or my– mind (and virtually creates the life experience that we each have) can be the biggest obstacle there is.
Yes, the person you are in a relationship with can say or do things that are painful, delightful or boring. Yes, the conditions of the economy or environment can surely affect your bank account, body and life.
But, many times, the most significant kick is the story that you tell yourself about any of these people or external forces. The story about how you see yourself in the midst of whatever is going on in your life and world can make a huge difference in how you feel, what you experience and what’s possible too.
Here’s why…
We all tend to react to conditions, people and ourselves based primarily on the stories that we tell ourselves. When it’s a storm of intense stories, it’s tough to consider that there might be another way of looking at or being in this situation, condition or relationship.
We can easily feel stuck, victimized, frozen and utterly powerless– mostly because we’ve told ourselves a story that inadvertently creates that “reality.”
Question your stories as a path to freedom.
Katie encourages all of us to constantly question the stories we tell ourselves. I cannot overemphasize how valuable this practice has been in my own life. Katie’s process of story-questioning (that I’ve blogged about before and will most likely do again and again) is called “The Work.”
You can learn that specifics of “The Work,” and free worksheets too, here: www.thework.com
Katie’s process is deceptively simple and, if you stick with it and keep doing it, it’s absolutely freeing.
When you notice that you’re feeling all stormy inside or reacting to a situation in a way that you don’t like, stop and listen for the story you are telling yourself. As Katie recommends, start out by asking yourself the question, “Do I absolutely know this to be true?”
Sometimes the answer is “Yes” and sometimes it is “No.”
If all that you do is interrupt the barrage of thoughts that make up your story by asking yourself whether or not you know this to be true, you’re doing yourself a huge favor. If you take it further and deeper by using inner inquiry, such as “The Work,” you can move even closer to the kind of liberation from angst and anguish that is possible.
When I consider the (yes, I’ll admit it) story that “it’s all just in my head” I am not necessarily pleased. Sometimes it seems easier to look around me at all of the people and things that I could hold responsible for my own well-being, sense of worth, abundance and life experience.
It can be quite amazing when, instead, I take back my power and my responsibility for myself and my experience by recognizing a story as a story and then question it. The storm dissipates. I am clearer and the abundance of opportunities available to me opens wide.
