Fools Rush In
I’m not talking about rushing into love…
In the past, when my husband, one of my sons or someone else I care about makes me mad or appears to be angry with me, I have had a tendency to rush in and attempt to get the whole thing “fixed” as quickly as possible.
My habitual mode has been to get it out right then and there.
To speak my truth, expect the other person to share his or her perspective on the situation and to hash it all out– hopefully coming to some resolution we both can be happy with.
I cannot stand disharmony in any of my relationships. So, in an effort to restore the balance between myself and the person with whom I perceive friction, I have a habit of diving right into the situation and pushing for resolve ASAP and even if the other person does not want to talk with me about it.
This is often a foolish thing to do. My impatience with short-term dissonance usually contributes to longer-term distance in these relationships.
By rushing in– in the heat of moment– when a disagreement has cropped up between myself and my loved one, there’s generally a whole lot more drama than is necessary.
It can get confusing and difficult for either of us to clearly or effectively communicate what is most important to each of us. It’s nearly impossible to truly listen to one another because we’re each so caught up in the intensity of our individual positions.
The resolution and return to harmony that I so desperately seek is almost always more difficult to reach.
The power of the pause.
I am starting to understand how valuable not rushing in can be. I am learning the huge power in a pause.
I’m not talking about trying to shove down the fact that something the other person said or did was upsetting to me– this just isn’t really possible. I’m also not talking about downplaying or discounting my feelings for the “sake of the relationship.” That is never beneficial to anyone.
I’m talking about giving myself and the other person the space and time to choose a response instead of merely reacting to whatever triggered the friction in the first place.
When you give your relationship the precious gift of a pause, you are providing everyone involved the opportunity to sort through all of those initial thoughts and feelings.
How many times have I ended up making inaccurate and regrettable statements to my husband or my sons in the heat of an angry or frustrated moment? How many times have I ended up making a big deal about something that later I deemed so completely inconsequential?
When I pause it is nothing short of miraculous. Getting to the heart of the matter is easier and those in-the-moment slights can be put into a more accurate perspective.
The benefit of clarity.
When you pause you can become clear about what your hurt, betrayed, suspicious, angry and frustrated feelings are all about. This clarity gives you the opportunity to decide what you are actually upset about and how you can best communicate about that with your partner.
The key difference here is that you can choose ways to communicate which will support you both staying open and engaged– able to create a resolution together– instead of one of you feeling like the attacker and the other the victim. (Both may claim the same role.)
In just about every case, when I give myself a little time and space to understand why I am upset, I discover that what has me feeling angry or hurt is vastly different than what I originally thought. Sometimes the whole thing is about a completely different person or a separate yet similar situation.
Sometimes I realize that it’s mainly about me and some need that I’m not fulfilling for myself.
When you find greater clarity about the situation you were initially triggered about, you can be more focused when you do communicate with your loved one about it.
Instead of blustering around about specific words that were purportedly spoken (which you may each remember differently), you can hone in on the dynamic that is at the root of it for you.
Because the pause and the clarity give you the chance to know what you mean in advance of your conversation, you aren’t as likely to be distracted by your own thoughts. You can actually listen with an intention to understand where the other person is coming from.
Does this mean that after a pause and after gaining clarity the conversation will be calm, cool and harmonious? Does taking a pause make the hurt, anger and frustration go away?
Not necessarily.
However, catching yourself before you rush in to try to “fix” the friction does increase your chances of– a little bit later– actually having a conversation that is productive and that allows you to more effectively make your voice heard and regain your relationship connection too.
