4 Holiday Traditions That We ALL Could Do Without
Every year when I was growing up, my mom, aunt, grandmother and I would go over to my Great Aunt Petey’s house the day before Christmas. We’d arrive at 7 or 8 in the morning and help her make homemade donuts.
Mind you, these sugary confections were not as good a day or two after they were fried up but when they were fresh, they were divine. Aunt Petey and her crew of helpers made several dozens of donuts and delivered them to neighbors and friends– saving plenty for the family too, of course.
I feel happy and warm inside just remembering those mornings spent over hot grease and dough with my beloved family, some of whom are no longer with us in physical form.
Just about every family has holiday traditions. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, but many different winter holidays (both religious and secular) are marked by individuals all over the world.
Some traditions are very, very old and have been practiced, perhaps with some alterations, by our families even before we were born. Other traditions are newer.
The great thing about some holiday traditions is the deep meaning interwoven in them and the opportunity for connection that they provide for us and those we love.
The not so great thing about some other holiday traditions is that we’re so used to doing particular things or being in certain ways that are painful and self-limiting, we don’t even realize we’ve inadvertently created a tradition.
What are your holiday traditions?
I’m not referring to those that bring warmth to your heart. I’m talking about the ones that none of us tend to call “traditions,” yet these are behaviors and coping mechanisms that we drag out year and year along with the holly and mistletoe.
4 holiday traditions that ALL of us could do without…
#1: The Being Led by Guilt Tradition
This is a biggie for many of us. There can be a lot guilt loaded into gift giving and receiving. The exchange and possibility for connection is smashed to bits when you are mostly giving gifts to people because you feel like you “have to.”
You might worry about what spending this much money on co-workers, your boss, your kids’ teachers, friends, family and the mail carrier will do to your budget that may already feel tight. But, you buy the gifts anyway.
You’d feel guilty if you didn’t.
The thing about guilt is that it absolutely stands in the way of you engaging in what the holidays are all about. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, a sense of loving connection and recognition of the light that is in all of us pervades…or at least that’s the intention.
It’s really difficult to feel connection and a sense of light and love when you are mostly feeling guilt alongside worry about how you’ll ever pay your credit card bill.
Guilt can come up in many different ways when it comes to the choices any of us make this holiday season. What’s perhaps most important is for us all to remember that we DO have choices.
Notice if you are motivated to purchase a gift or participate in an activity from guilt. That can be your wake-up call to re-consider what you are about to do and why.
#2: The Pretending Tradition
“Oh, I love it!” “Go on, give your Uncle Tom a kiss!” How many times do we pretend– or tell a complete lie– as a way to try to keep everything nice and pleasant around the holidays?
There’s nothing necessarily wrong with pretending, but when it’s done in opposition to your (or another’s) inner wisdom and personal boundaries it’s not in anyone’s best interests.
Unfortunately, too many of us experienced invasive and even traumatic violations at the hands of a family member or family friend in the past. These might be the very people who you feel compelled to spend time with now.
Even years later, the memories of the abuse, the harassment, the cruel teasing, or whatever happened can come rushing back when you see this person. But, you agree to attend a gathering with this person anyway.
As I said above, it’s all about choice. You might decide that you are willing to be in the presence of this person who is upsetting to you but promise yourself that you will focus on being with others that you care about who will also be there.
You could also give yourself permission to be “real” and not hug or engage extensively with this person.
You don’t have to be hostile or cause a scene to honor your needs and nurture your own healing. There is room for both boundaries and sharing with those people with whom you choose to connect.
#3: The We’re Doing This Because We’ve Always Done This Tradition
Some traditions can become so fixed and rigid, the people who follow them have outgrown the tradition itself– but they keep on doing it anyway and few, if any, enjoy it.
This might include holiday-related activities that you can remember engaging in since you were very young. You continue to do these things just because it’s what you are used to doing. It might even feel taboo to even consider NOT doing them.
However, if nobody is excited about or getting much meaning from driving out into the country and hiking two miles for a hand cut tree, why are you still doing it?
If you and your family reluctantly drag yourselves to the local production of “The Nutcracker” because it’s always been your tradition attend, you could talk about whether or not you really want to see it again this year.
I love fresh cut trees (especially if they are grown and harvested sustainably) and I adore “The Nutcracker.”
My point is to mindfully decide which traditions you will continue and which you won’t. This will undoubtedly open you and your family up to a more relaxing and meaningful holiday experience.
#4: The Numbing Out Tradition
There is no shortage of holiday goodies around this time of year. You might have parties at work (during or after hours) or at friends’ and families’ homes. Plenty of us overindulge on sweet and savory treats or alcohol.
Plenty of people also turn to drugs, legal and illegal, in an attempt to manage feeling overwhelmed, depressed or to force a high or elated sensation for a little while.
Quite a few of us have developed a numbing out sort of tradition.
If you find yourself eating food, drinking alcohol or taking drugs without really thinking about or in order to cope, find the courage and presence to pause before continuing.
As challenging as it may be, try to get to the root of what’s upsetting you. This might be old memories, current stresses or an intensification of challenges you struggle with all of the time.
Find alternative ways to soothe yourself.
Identify the emotions that are driving you to drink, overeat or pop pills and, even if it’s just for a few minutes, be with those emotions. Give yourself permission to cry, yell, scream and let out how you feel in ways that don’t hurt you or another being.
The overriding reminder of this post has been all about choice. You DO have the choice to make different decisions this holiday season.
You can reach out for support. You can turn to alternatives instead of food, drugs or alcohol for self-soothing.
You can make the choice to be more real, more honest and more loving and kind to yourself this year too. Perhaps this is the greatest gift anyone can give and receive.
