The Real Stuff of Thanks-Giving
“Will I be a pilgrim or an Indian?” This is the question I remember asking myself in late November when I was in grade school. We wore construction paper feathers or pilgrim hats on our heads and got to eat special food at school.
We were taught about the peaceful and cooperative meal shared by Native Americans and white settlers.
However, if you read what historians have to say, this is pretty much a misrepresentation of what actually went down.
Yes, there may have been some European settlers and certain Native American tribes who, on some occasions, were cooperative and peaceful with one another. There is record of a harvest meal that was shared between whites and Native Americans, at least by the men of these groups.
For the most part, there is quite a bit of historical evidence that interactions between (and among) the white settlers and the Native Americans were anything BUT idyllic and peaceful. There was a lot fighting, tension, fear, starvation and let’s not forget those foreign diseases that the whites brought from Europe to this so-called “New World.”
One could say that the original Thanksgiving meal (if we stretch and claim there really was one) was most likely a mixture of tentative peace, gratitude for health and food and maybe some confusion about the future thrown in as well.
What is the real stuff of your Thanksgiving?
If your family is like just about everyone else’s family, there’s a good chance that you can relate to this more “real” image of Thanksgiving.
Sure, we know that we’re supposed to be grateful and thankful and all of that, but it’s not always clear-cut or easy. We hold hands and say grace before diving into a meal with those we’ve possibly known our entire lives, yet, there can be a lot of mixed emotions involved.
It’s only natural for disagreements to have arisen over time with loved ones. It’s kind of expected that there could be a few unresolved tensions. Perhaps jealousies have developed and grown. Maybe outright hostility and anger is a regular occurrence.
In some families, there are also those very unnatural, but too frequent, cases of abuse– either in the past or ongoing to the present– that can make the holidays all the more difficult.
You might absolutely adore your family (at least some of them). Yet, still, there can occur a mixed bag of experiences with this group of people to whom you are linked.
Some choose to skip sharing Thanksgiving with their family. It’s either too painful, too uncomfortable, too irritating or they just prefer to mark the holiday in a different way. They create a new family among friends of their choosing.
Truth be told, however, some of these same tensions, jealousies and unresolved angst can crop up even among these new families and bring that same mixture of emotions.
My point here is that having relationships with family and friends can be messy. Sometimes it can be painful and sometimes it can be delightful.
When we come upon an official day during which we are supposed to be thankful, it can feel false to pretend this outpouring of gratitude. Many try to just force it and get through the day.
Instead, try these tips to help you have a more real, thankful and giving kind of holiday…
#1: Be genuine…and loving.
You can be honest and genuine when you are with family and friends this Thanksgiving. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you intentionally start an argument or re-open an old wound.
You can communicate what is true for you in ways that are loving and kind. One way to do this is to make sure that when you speak you are only speaking for yourself and not assuming that you know how anyone else thinks and feels. Use “I feel….” sentences to honestly express your emotions about a comment made or an action taken.
#2: Notice gratitude where you find it.
Thing thing about gratitude is that it can seem non-existent even when traces are there. Any of us might look around at our relationships with particular family members or friends and declare that there’s nothing whatsoever to be grateful for.
This may or may not be true. You won’t really know unless you open the door and allow for the possibility of gratitude in this particular relationship or with this group of people.
It doesn’t matter how miniscule the thing is, if you feel some amount of thankfulness about it, recognize that and let it build within you.
This is NOT about forcing yourself to feel thankful when inside you want to scream and cry. This IS about acknowledging how you feel while also creating space for gratitude in whatever form and to whatever degree it comes.
#3: Forgive yourself and others.
Forgiveness is the ultimate act of giving– mainly for yourself, but it also can be felt by others involved. Remember, to forgive is not to declare that whatever happened is okay or that it never happened at all.
True forgiveness is always about you deciding that you are done carrying around the pain, hurt and anger. You are ready to release that heavy load so that you can more easily create the kind of life experience you desire.
This is giving.
It is an example to others of how to live with more grace. It brings greater ease to formerly tense relationships. It is also your choice. When you are ready to forgive, guide yourself toward this kind of release.
As you forgive and allow gratitude– for even those difficult ones in your life– to germinate and grow, you will feel the power of a real thanks-giving.
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*Photo by Casey Felser somegeekintn from Flickr Creative Commons.
Comment from Ryan Williams
Time November 21, 2010 at 3:45 am
Another helpful tip is to focus on being “kind rather than right.” If we give up the need to be right in family settings, we will usually see conversations flow more smoothly.
Ryan Williams
http://growthnotes.com