Is It Possible To Be Too Positive?
There are tons of books, CDs, courses, websites, DVDs, lectures and more all about the benefits and power of a positive attitude.
What being “positive” actually means varies depending on the specific author, philosophy or approach.
Some invite us to smile and laugh more often. Others advise us to look for the gifts and opportunities in every situation. Yet others encourage us to be grateful for what we have, who we are and what’s going on for us in any moment.
I do not disagree with any of this advice. However, I can only imagine that many of you out there might, from time to time, ask yourselves this question…
“Is it possible to be too positive?”
You might follow up such a question with…
- “Aren’t I just denying reality when I’m positive all of the time?”
- “Am I just being a naïve Pollyanna?”
- “What if I’ve looked and looked and I can’t see anything in my situation that resembles a gift or opportunity? Have I then failed at being positive?”
There are plenty of situations for plenty of people that simply don’t feel positive– or even anywhere close to positive.
And, if these same people have aspired to be more “positive,” they might then believe that this whole positive thing is just a sham. They might even decide that they’ve somehow failed.
I don’t believe that either of these conclusions are accurate. Being positive is neither a denial of reality through proverbial rose-colored glasses nor is it some kind of test which you can pass or fail.
My answer to the question “Is it possible to be too positive?” is a qualified “No.”
If you force it or deny your feelings, you aren’t being positive.
No matter how hard you try to put on a happy face, if you feel like a big zero inside or as if you and your world seem to be falling apart, it just isn’t going to work.
To truly be positive, it’s vital for any of us to be genuine about how we are feeling.
You simply cannot force yourself to be positive, happy, joyous or appreciative. Does this mean that the power of positivity philosophies are all a lie? I don’t think so.
What it means is that the path to the kind of inner peace and bliss– and yes, positivity– that you might be seeking runs directly through where you are right now at this very minute.
Being positive is all about starting where you are.
Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron writes about how absolutely essential it is to “start where you are.”
This means, if you’re going through a break up, you’ve been laid off, you just yelled at your kids, your breakfast burned, your car has a flat tire or you just feel miserable inside for no apparent reason, you start right there in that place.
This is not anyone’s favorite place to be when unwanted and painful things are happening– especially those things that feel out control.
However, when you pretend that you aren’t experiencing what you’re experiencing, those feelings, thoughts and beliefs about whatever it is that you perceive to be happening don’t just vanish. They are still there…even beneath the fake smile you try on in an effort to be positive.
Instead, teachers, like Chodron, point out the freeing practice of “sitting with” whatever you are feeling and what you perceive is going on. If you take even a relatively short period of time to acknowledge the emotional pain, upset or upheaval that you feel inside, you can actually more quickly and easily move from that difficult place.
When you start where you are and recognize what’s true for you in any one moment, that moment doesn’t not have to last your entire lifetime.
Incrementally move toward a more positive life.
You can begin to incrementally see improvements in whatever the unwanted or unsatisfying situation is when you get into the habit of “sitting with” whatever is going on.
This means that as you acknowledge your fury at your boss for coming down on you in an unfair way, you can open up to seeing a way out of the hell that your own fury has created for you. You are less likely to go to work the next day expecting more unfairness and anger when you take the time to be with those initial feelings and let them move through you.
[*Please note: You'll probably find it easier to move through a difficult experience if you offer most of you attention to your feelings and less to the thoughts you are having about those feelings.]
Believe it or not, as your anger, sadness, fear or whatever it is you are feeling is allowed to move through you after being recognized, you can start to see that a few things are actually going well in your life and the larger world.
Incrementally, you can see that there’s a lot of great stuff going on and even those rough spots are improving.
For example, you might be able to really feel your partner’s loving embrace, to hear your child say “I love you,” and to notice that– on this day– your boss actually complimented your performance on a project.
From this more positive place, you can start to see the gifts that life brings to you each and every day…even those that come disguised as difficulties.
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Click here to learn more about the work of Pema Chodron.
