Radical Listening
Person #1: Would you like to meet me for dinner tonight?
Person #2: Sorry, I can’t.
Person #1: Oh, okay. I understand. (Thinking to self: She and I aren’t as close anymore. She’s probably just making up an excuse because she doesn’t want to hang out with me.)
A lot can happen in a very short conversation such as this. That is to say, a lot of inaccuracies and incorrect assumptions can occur and have very real effects on people’s relationships and lives.
How many times have you found yourself “filling in the blanks” with your own story about what you are hearing as you talk with someone? Perhaps, as in the dialogue above, you imagined a rejection of not only your invitation, but also of you– personally– when another person merely said “no.”
There are countless ways that we can not only short-circuit friendships and work, love and family relationships, but also drive our own sense of self worth into the ground, and in a very short span of time.
What is so amazing is that just about all of us do this and– most of the time– there’s absolutely no call for it. We turn everyday, neutral conversations into something bigger, more dramatic and usually negative.
We do all of this by listening…actually, we do this by NOT listening.
In response to lessons I’ve been reading by teachers including Martha Creek, Byron Katie, Michael Bernard Beckwith and others, I’m urging myself to listen differently to others.
I’m practicing radical listening.
Here’s what radical listening means to me…
When a person speaks, I listen very closely to what he or she is actually saying. I resist the urge to add my own corollary statements to the message that is being conveyed to me. I ask questions in order to clarify confusion and double check that I am understanding what the other person was trying to tell me.
Sound simple?
Well, it is– except that most of us don’t listen in this way.
The vast majority of us (I include myself in this) usually listen to others kind of like this instead: We are often multi-tasking, so we are either physically doing something else as we are listening or we are thinking about multiple other topics in our minds as we are also listening.
This habit of being dis-engaged and unfocused can lead to quite a few misunderstandings.
Even when we set aside the magazine, put down the soapy dish or turn away from the computer and really focus in on what the other person is saying, we still might not be listening in a radical way. In these cases, we often play that game from the dialogue above in which we make assumptions about the deeper, hidden meanings behind the other person’s words.
We listen more to the meanings we are guessing at and less to what the other person is actually saying. You can probably guess what we then react to– our story about the other person’s words instead of the other person’s words.
You can bet that this does not help any relationship to thrive and positively grow. And, you can bet that it doesn’t do anything to cultivate personal growth.
Be a present listener– really present.
Being present in this moment is absolutely essential if you want to practice radical listening. This requires you to stop the multi-tasking and really devote your full attention to the conversation you are having.
I know, your “to do” list is probably as long (or longer) than mine is. There are possibly all kinds of people and things clamoring for your attention. BUT, you can keep bringing yourself back to the conversation. Wipe a nose, rinse a dish, press save…and then turn to the other person and engage.
Radical listening involves more than just reducing the multi-tasking. In order to be present as you radically listen, you’ll need to be present with the other person as he or she is right here and right now.
This means that you don’t react to what the other person is saying based on an experience you had with him or her in the past. Just because particular words went along with particular actions in the past does not mean that they will this time.
I’m aware that this can be a challenge, especially if this person (or others) have not always spoken honestly or authentically with you in the past.
Ask questions to clarify.
When you’ve been “burned,” misled or even mystified by what the other person has said to you in the past, you might take it upon yourself to de-code or figure out on your own what he or she is REALLY saying.
Yes, you might know this person extremely well. And, yes, you might even be accurate some of the time about what he or she is REALLY trying to tell you.
However, it doesn’t serve you, the other person or your relationship (whatever that relationship is) for you to essentially speak for him or her. This is what any of us are doing when we fill in the blanks or assume we know the deeper meaning of another person’s words.
If you feel suspicious, confused or absolutely lost by what you hear from someone else, ask questions!
You can ask questions from a place of curiosity and you can ask questions that will clarify. You can even ask questions to confirm or dis-confirm what you think the meaning behind what the other person is saying.
A simple request like, “Please tell me more about…” can help you gain more information without putting the other person on the defensive.
Radical listening really isn’t all that radical after all.
It’s about you trusting another person to tell you what he or she wants you to know. It’s also about you trusting yourself to ask questions in a loving, curious way to gain the accurate information you desire.
What’s radical is that when each of us listens to another with presence more of the time, we can interact and respond more accurately, respectfully and harmoniously more of the time.
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If you’d like to learn more words, phrases and sentence-starters that can help you clarify, ask questions, make requests and communicate more connecting-ly, check out Susie and Otto Collin’s e-book Magic Relationship Words.
Comment from Annie
Time October 9, 2010 at 9:13 am
It’s true, mis-communication, especially in someone who doesn’t have a high self esteem or is very shy can embarrassed by a false assumption. The key is reminding yourself that you are your worst critic in many of these situations. Most people out there are eager to connect with others. Propose again, maintain friendliness in the relationship, continue to smile and be pleasant. If you do this, even in the unlikelihood that your first thought was right, you may just turn them around and leave them with a desire to spend time with you.