Personal Growth Planet Blog

Guilt can crop up in our lives at just about every turn.

You might feel guilty because you’ve strayed from your diet.
You may feel guilty because you forgot the birthday of a dear friend.
You could feel guilty because you spoke harshly to your spouse.
You may feel guilty because you aren’t as kind, generous, reliable, eco-friendly, productive, religious or spiritual…. as you think you should be.

It seems that we humans are hard-wired with a propensity to feel guilty.

Growing up, you may have learned to model guilt from the examples of the adults in your life. Parents, grandparents and other teachers might have made it clear that, when you make a mistake, you say “I’m sorry” and then carry around the remorse for whatever you’ve done for awhile (maybe a long while).

It could be that, for you, guilt rides along with a belief that you are somehow deficient or unworthy of the life you are living and the life that you desire.

Perhaps you’ve also discovered over the years, that guilt can be a relatively effective way to avoid taking full responsibility for some misdeed or inappropriate action. If you “take the blame” for breaking some rule or causing harm and you continue to play the role of the “bad” one, you pretty much never have to truly make amends and move past the thing about which guilt is felt.

As much as it doesn’t necessarily make sense, guilt can actually stand in the way of any of us taking personal responsibility for our decisions and our own lives. We can flounder interminably in feeling horrible, embarrassed, regretful and to blame for whatever has happened…and never do much more than that about the words or action itself.

So, why do so many of us trap ourselves in guilt?

Let’s face it…. guilt can be alluring.

As I mentioned above, some of us– often unconsciously– use guilt as a way to avoid taking the necessary steps to shift or change an unwanted situation that we’ve helped to create. On some level, it’s more comfortable to rail on and on about how awful our actions were, what a blameful person we are, and so on, instead of actually doing something to ameliorate the situation.

Guilt is also enticing because it can appear to be the “right” thing to do.

There are so many “shoulds” and “have tos” in any circumstance. There are countless rules and codes of ethics about how to be a good partner, parent, worker, community member and human being– many of them self-composed and self-imposed.

If it’s important to you to be seen as a good person (whatever “good” means to you), when you violate a rule or code that you deem to be meaningful, you are probably going to feel some guilt. Your awareness that you aren’t following the rules can quickly cause you to question yourself.

Guilt can seem like the way back to being “good” and “right” again.

Alternatives to guilt.

If I lose it and yell or snap at my kids– especially in public– I immediately feel guilty. This is not how I believe a “good mom” should act. This is not peaceful, loving, kind and compassionate, which are all qualities I aspire to ALWAYS live and express…even during difficult, trying times.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that a particular choice was not preferred, helpful or one I want to repeat often, or at all. The trouble is, too many of us get stuck in the guilt. We somehow think that continually beating up on ourselves, calling ourselves “bad,” or whatever it is that we do in our guilt-laden states, will be enough to redeem us.

When any of us don’t step up and truly own our actions– without the guilt– THEN we can move toward releasing the pain of that regrettable moment and we can learn from it and move on.

This benefits everyone involved.

Taking personal responsibility for your share in any upsetting and disconnecting dynamic is essential. There is a huge difference between assuming the role of the guilty party AND owning your share of whatever has happened and then opening up to a resolution.

Another alternative to guilt is forgiveness. I cannot say enough about how powerful forgiveness is.

You can start to forgive yourself for whatever violation of rules and codes you’ve made as soon as you realize that you’ve crossed that line. In fact, the more you can forgive yourself, the easier it usually is to take responsibility for your share and to come up with a course of action that will bring improvements.

You can also forgive the other person (or people) involved in the original situation. That part of you that might feel guilty but also justified because, after all he or she did ________, can be soothed when you forgive.

It’s up to each one of us to stay awake.

We can notice it when we start to flounder in guilt and then stop. We can offer ourselves– and others– genuine forgiveness as we make different choices. We can open up to a better, more joyful and free life…when we give up the guilt.

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Tags: forgiveness, guilt, guilty, personal growth, personal responsibility, Self-Improvement