Feeling Unsupported and Alone?: Dissolve Illusions and Open Up to the Support You Want
“Everyone, please send me texts and, Dad, could you bring my bike?”
This request was posted on a social networking site by the daughter of a friend of mine who recently started college. As you might already know, moving away from home, family and friends to embark upon what is essentially a brand new life can be unsettling, uncomfortable and maybe even a bit terrifying.
Of course, going to college (or setting out on another kind of new adventure) is also potentially exhilarating and exciting…especially if you feel like you are being supported along the way.
Too many of us maintain the belief that there is something wrong with asking for the help and support we need and want. We may not consciously cling to the illusion that we can and SHOULD be able to pull ourselves up by our own proverbial bootstraps, but our habitual actions indicate that we do.
Chances are, if you find yourself feeling unsupported and alone, it’s because you have refused to ask for or receive support.
Let’s face it– nobody wants to be viewed as lazy, incapable, a mooch, free-loader, or inept. Just about everyone wants to feel the pride of taking care of ourselves (and our family) and doing it all alone.
The degree to which you believe (or don’t) that asking for help is “bad” or a sign of weakness may vary depending on the culture or sub-culture you grew up in.
There are groups of people and places where the act of periodically leaning back on one’s community for support is NOT an indication of deficiency, it is how people are. There is a give and take that not only strengthens and assists individuals, it boosts and bonds the entire community.
Unfortunately, I did not develop such a belief.
Dissolve the illusions
I find it excruciatingly difficult to ask for help. Whether it’s borrowing money from a family member or asking a friend for a favor, I tend to feel small and even shameful about my request for support.
Some of this comes from the illusion that I don’t need anybody else. I can (and should be able to) do it all by myself.
For me, thus belief is mixed in with the assumption that others will be put out, inconvenienced or even adversely affected by fulfilling my request for assistance.
These murky illusions set me up to feel over-burdened, overwhelmed and stressed out, because as much as I’d like to truly be able to literally do it ALL by myself, this is not humanly possible.
These illusory beliefs also cut me off from developing richer connections with the people in my life.
When any of us struggle along alone and we really want and need support, we are slamming the door to the stuff that makes this world thrive and grow.
When any of us ask for support and it is freely given, there is a vital exchange. It is not merely just one person graciously helping out another who is down on her luck.
Instead, there is a mutual opening up and sharing of trust, kindness and love.
Open up to help and support
A group of friends of mine and I recently gathered together to talk about our aspirations for ourselves for the future. One of my friends asked us each to state how we’d like the others to support us as we move closer to our aspirations and goals.
I was surprised to notice that only a couple of the women in the room actually made a specific request for support. Most of us, myself included, briefly and vaguely addressed the question of support and primarily avoided the subject.
This happens all of the time in life. We want to feel as if someone else “has our back” and, understandably, we feel sad, fearful, angry and most definitely alone in those moments when this is perceptibly missing.
But, when we maintain the illusions that it’s not okay to ask for help or to rely on another, we send out all kinds of mixed messages.
“I can do it all by myself…but I’m pissed off because you’re not THERE for me.”
When you give yourself permission to ask for and open up to support, be sure that you are specific. It’s difficult for those who care about you and who genuinely want to help you to know what you need and when.
Make your requests specific and tangible.
When you open up to support, ask for what you really want– not what you think you’re supposed to want. It’s not going to truly help you and it’s also not going to benefit others for you to pretend to be or need anything other than what you genuinely desire.
Make requests that are in alignment with your authentic self.
When you open up to support, give others the opportunity to say “yes” or to say “no.” Never assume that what you are asking for is too much or somehow inappropriate. If you feel moved to ask for specific help from a particular person, trust the person to respond honestly.
Make requests understanding that the other person may say “no” and he or she may say “yes” and knowing that this person is not your ONLY potential source of help.
When you get a “yes” to your request for support, receive it with gratitude and appreciation. Be fully present to the love that is being shared between you. Remember that you BOTH are richer for the exchange.
