“I’m just a girl who can’t say no…”
Just about everyone I know is overcommitted and has a difficult time saying “no.”
It seems to be the American way to agree to whatever request (or demand) is thrown our way– and then complain about, resent and feel powerless to whatever it is we felt compelled to say “yes” to in the first place.
It all comes down to a desire, perhaps even a desperate need, to please.
Even the most non-conforming individuals among us want to be liked. While there are those who may not comfortably admit it, just about everyone has a need to feel loved and accepted (even if it’s on our terms, in specific sub-cultures and in our own unique ways).
As a result of this desire for love, approval and acceptance, the tendency to instantly say “yes” can develop. It is a habit that is passed on from parent to child and insidiously spreads.
What is so horrible about saying “yes?”
Nothing…if you actually mean it.
Too often, we don’t take the time to slow down and feel into ourselves before committing to yet another activity in the community, responsibility at home or at the office or even an additional self improvement goal that initially sounded like a good idea.
None of us necessarily intends to be a people pleaser and shove aside our own preferences and aspirations; it just kind of happens.
Part of the problem is that we become so driven by this desire for acceptance from others, we forget how to truly tune in and listen to what we want. This may be admirably motivated by an effort to be considerate, easy-going, flexible or unselfish.
Unfortunately, these virtuous motives don’t usually add up to very positive experiences– for us and for those we are unconsciously trying to please.
When a “yes” is spoken and it’s not in alignment with what is important to one person, the likelihood that the task will remain undone, the agreement will be broken or the job performed on a sub-par level increases.
And we wonder why so many of us walk around feeling frustrated, annoyed, let down, overburdened, unappreciated and powerless!
Learn how to pause.
What a huge difference it could make if only more of us would pause before responding to a request or invitation. It can feel uncomfortable to take a few seconds (or more) before replying, but give it a try anyway.
Even if this is something that you are absolutely certain you’ll answer “yes” to, allow for a pause anyway.
To help you through the discomfort of pausing, you might say, “I am interested in this. I’m going to check in with myself (my calendar, my family, my boss, etc.) and then I’ll get back to you.” Set a specific time when you will have your answer.
If this is an urgent request, you can still take even a few seconds to go within and make sure that you are on board with whatever it is you are being asked to do.
Make a shift.
There are plenty of times in life when any of us might face a situation in which we believe we have no choice but to say “yes” to something we absolutely do NOT want to do.
Your employer might make it clear that your job is on the line if you don’t do this. Your partner may be setting before you that feels like an ultimatum.
In cases like these, it is even more important for you to do the inner work of tuning in to you– your thoughts, feelings and inner guidance.
You could make an internal shift around this issue that can help you feel more empowered in saying “yes” to something that you don’t prefer. Remember your priority when it comes to this particular situation.
For instance, are you willing to do this unpleasant task for right now as a way to stay on track for the career trajectory you have set for yourself in this company? (You might decide that you are not willing to do this and, at that point, can accept any consequences to choosing “no.”)
Go for a “positive no.”
William Ury, who is the author of books about successful negotiation, suggests ways to say “no” positively. He explains that if you are respectful and committed (this means that your stand confidently in your position), as you say “no,” everyone involved can feel like a winner.
Specifically, Ury recommends that you surround your “no” with affirmative statements.
For example, you might tell your partner that you value spending some time alone to relax on the weekend after a stressful workweek and that you are not willing to travel with him or her to visit a relative this Saturday. You might then follow up your “no” to the trip to visit family with a suggestion that a 3-day weekend is coming up soon and that you would be willing to make the trip then.
With this “positive no,” you aren’t symbolically slamming the door to the request that was made. Instead, you are remaining true to your own preferences and needs and making the other person know you are willing to consider some alternatives.
Be honest, stay open and keep yourself tuned in to you.
