If Forgiveness is So Freeing, Why is it also SO Difficult to Actually Do?
Pretty much every one of us has some (or many) old wounds that we carry around. Long ago, or more recently, we were “wronged” or hurt in some way and we just can’t seem to get over it.
Forgiveness is one very effective and powerful way to heal those wounds…or so we’ve probably been told.
The trouble with forgiveness is it is such a loaded concept!
There’s a definite connotation that posits forgiveness as the “right” or compassionate thing to do for another person. Religious teachings might have helped cement this self-less understanding of forgiving in your mind; they have for me.
A different approach to forgiveness…
When it comes down to it, though, forgiveness is really about the forgiver– and not the forgiven.
When you are able to forgive, it’s because you’ve reached a point in which you are simply done carrying around those wounds and hurts. You are ready to step out from under the weight of the resentment, the anger, sadness, grief or whatever it is you are burdened by.
To forgive, in this blessedly self-centered way (meant in only a positive sense) does NOT mean that you are necessarily happy about, approving of or otherwise endorsing what happened.
This is a moving away from labeling something good or bad and, instead, focusing in on what you want to do from this day forward. If you choose to forgive, you are turning from the past and toward an ease-ful, happier future.
While forgiveness might be admirable and freeing, it is not often easy to actually do.
As much as you want the resentment and anguish to be gone, there can be a strong attachment or pull back toward that painful past which is a giant obstacle to forgiveness.
An even MORE different approach to forgiveness…
Recently I had the privilege of attending a workshop led by life coach Martha Creek. The day was centered on a technique called “The Work,” developed by Byron Katie.
Towards the end of this expansive workshop, the topic of forgiveness arose. Creek declared to us that forgiveness is not a process. Instead, she said, it occurs naturally as we question our thoughts.
The discussion that followed this declaration opened my eyes to yet an even more alternative approach to forgiveness.
If you consider it, when it comes to this tough stuff from our pasts, either you forgive or you don’t. It’s difficult to forgive part-way.
There is much to Byron Katie’s “The Work,” and I encourage everyone to check out this potentially life-changing personal growth tool. For the purposes of this post, I will boil it down to this:
“The Work” is based on the assertion that we experience pain and suffering because of the thoughts we think– and continue to think– about ourselves, our lives, others, our pasts and our future.
When we question our thoughts using “The Work,” we can create space in which that pain and suffering can release and we can live more fully in the present moment.
Forgiveness came up at this Martha Creek workshop alongside the example of rape.
If, like me, you have experienced rape in your past, you might find that it’s not so easy to just forgive what happened. At the same time, releasing the hold of those memories, beliefs and emotions are an appealing prospect.
Forgiveness is key here….and so is questioning your thoughts.
For example, surrounding the date rape that I experienced, I have thoughts and subsequent feelings about the man who took advantage of me, a severely drunk young woman. I also have thoughts and subsequent feelings about my own choices to get that drunk and to push my friends away as they tried to get me home safely.
Using Creek’s guidance and Katie’s technique, I can take each thought and begin to question it. This isn’t about assigning absolute blame to either the man who date raped me or the alcoholic younger me.
It is about using a series of questions and a turn-around to understand that none of the solid-feeling thoughts I have about that experience are necessarily as solid as they seem.
Yes, the date rape happened. But when I question my thoughts, I can see that it is my thoughts about a past experience that is causing the residual upset, fear and anger.
Through this questioning process, a lot of space is created within me. The solid becomes more fluid and that’s when the forgiveness can occur.
I’m not proposing that everyone who has experienced rape (or any other hurt or trauma) should take this approach to forgiveness. It’s your healing and your choice what to do with the pain you are carrying around.
Find what resonates for you and be gentle and loving with yourself as you follow that path which, I hope, will include forgiveness and freedom.
Comments
Comment from Mollie Hannon
Time March 5, 2010 at 11:23 pm
What a powerful post Amy! I need to do some cleaning and forgiving in my life. I will look into this approach. Thanks!
Comment from Susie
Time March 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Thanks for sharing your forgiveness process with all of us–and giving us a different way to work with forgiving others in our own lives. Keep up the very powerful work you are doing!